


the cost of a lover

by summerequinox



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish & Blue Sargent Friendship, Age Difference, Aged-Up Character(s), Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alzheimer's Disease, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Artist Ronan Lynch, Bottom Adam Parrish, Break Up, Class Differences, College Student Adam Parrish, Consent Issues, Crossdressing Kink, Drunk Texting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Escort Service, False Identity, Feminine Adam Parrish, Femininity, Hurt Adam Parrish, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Kink Negotiation, Light BDSM, Loss of Virginity, Luxury, M/M, Minor Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, More plot than porn, New York City, Oral Sex, Overdosing, Pining, Praise Kink, Religion, Rich Ronan Lynch, Ronan Lynch Angst, Semi-Public Sex, Sex Work, Sugar Baby Adam Parrish, Sugar Daddy, Top Ronan Lynch, Trauma, mention of vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:14:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 37,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25978042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerequinox/pseuds/summerequinox
Summary: "I just want to fuck some guy, and thats it. But I also don’t want to have a find someone new every time I want to have sex. It’d be way easier if someone just came over when I asked them to, then left when we were done. No questions asked. No “how was your day?”-texts. No toothbrushes.”Gansey chuckled on the other end of the line. “You’re describing a prostitute, Ronan. We should get you a prostitute.”Ronan is a world famous painter and art dealer, with more money than he knows what to do with. Adam is a high-end escort, trying to pay for his attendance to Columbia.
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 140
Kudos: 537





	1. Chapter 1

“I’m merely looking out for you Ronan. What kind of friend would I be if I let you die a virgin?”

One that minded his own damn business, Ronan thought. He sighed deeply, looking at the display of his phone. He’d been on this call with Gansey for almost thirty minutes, and all they’d talked about was about Ronan having sex.

“You plan on getting me killed anytime soon? It will happen when it happens, dickhead.” Ronan concluded. Conversation finished, over, finito, period, whatever.

Gansey was clearly not finished with their chat, however “But you refuse to let it happen! The man of your dreams is not just going to suddenly appear whilst you’re alone in your atelier. What are your plans for tonight, old friend?” he asked.

Same plan as every night. “I’m going to paint.” Alone in his atelier. Gansey got him there, he had to give him that at least. But it wasn’t so bad. His workspace was gorgeous, high up in a skyscraper and with panoramic views of Manhattan, natural light streaming in.

“It’s a Saturday! You’re a rich, handsome, eligible bachelor in your prime. Why don’t you and I go out to a bar? Or a club!”

Ronan sighed again, making it even deeper, hoping to send a message without using his words. His days of clubs, partying, and substance abuse were long over.

“Okay, okay fine. Perhaps not a club. You could download Tinder! Or Grindr. Or both! Diversify.”

“Have you considered that maybe, I don’t fucking know, I don’t want to meet someone!?” Ronan snapped. It came off harsher than he had intended to, but he was sick and tired of his nagging. He had told Gansey about his lack of experience during a drunk moment of weakness, and Gansey hadn’t let it go since. That had been during their Aglionby days. Over a decade ago. 

It was simply never.. right. He’d gone on dates. Some of them he had been forced to go to by Gansey, but some he had stumbled into all by himself. But it was never right. He wasn’t sure what he was looking for, but he supposed he would know when he saw it. At some points of his life, he had blamed his religion. It was a choice influenced by his faith. But that was some bullshit.

“Every person longs for a partner, Ronan, I am certain of it. They long for their.. “person.” Ronan rolled his eyes at that, and he opened his mouth to say something snarky. “And before you say anything!” Gansey interrupted. “You might not believe that. But you must agree that every person also longs for some form of physical intimacy. For sex. I mean, surely you get horny?”

Ronan was about to be contradictory, and bring up the existence of asexuals just to spite Gansey. But he decided to be more honest.

“It’s complicated. Okay? People are complicated. I can’t deal with complicated people right now. If I was to fuck someone, it would just be that, a fuck. There are a ton of people who say they just want to have sex, but they don’t mean it. All of a sudden, you’re texting and shit. You even smile at their idiotic texts. Someone gets angry because one of you fucked someone else. A new toothbrush winds up by your sink. I’ve seen this happen to all my friends.” 

“All of your friends?” Gansey questioned. 

Ronan fiddled with his paintbrush. He was too distracted to finish the piece in front of him now anyways, so he put it back in its designated cup. The studio was what you could call organized chaos.

“I’ve seen it happen to Noah.” Ronan admitted. His circle was rather tight. “But my stupid point still stands. I just want to fuck some guy, and thats it. But I also don’t want to have a find someone new every time I want to have sex. It’d be way easier if someone just came over when I asked them to, then left when we were done. No questions asked. No “how was your day?”-texts. No toothbrushes.”

Gansey chuckled on the other end of the line. “You’re describing a prostitute, Ronan. We should get you a prostitute.”

“Don’t be fucking ridiculous, Dick!” Ronan said, disturbed that he would even suggest it. “I’m not going to pick up some methed out hooker from a street corner. Not how I want to lose my “sacred” virginity.” His words came out laced with sarcasm.

Gansey grinned and Ronan swore he could hear his stupid smirk in his voice. “Come on now, Lynch. Don’t be so judgemental. There are a plethora of different kinds of sex workers. I could seek out some form of escort service. Then it would all be controlled and safe!”

Ronan was done. He clicked the red symbol, and violently tossed his phone across his studio. 

_ _ _

Adam didn’t hate it. 

He’d spent his entire life leading up to that point, doing things he hated. All for survival. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to deal with still hating any aspects of his life, after his escape. After he had finally survived. 

So. Adam didn’t _hate_ his job. It was just a job.

But he sure as hell didn’t _love_ it. He didn’t love the fact that he was currently trying to figure out how to get semen out of silk. The vinegar solution he had been instructed to soak his favorite blouse in hadn’t reverted the damage. The other option was dry cleaning, according to the article he found on the internet. 

Adam didn’t love it when his job forced him to push his boundaries, again and again. He had to keep adding things to his list he was okay with, as well as convince himself that he actually was okay with it to keep the feeling of violation away. To keep himself from feeling dirty. 

He was feeling pretty dirty now, however, sitting on the floor of his apartment with a bowl in front of him, trying to scrub the come of some european businessman out of his top without ruining it. 

Adam didn’t love it when his job prevented him from having a normal, functioning relationship. He’d broken up with Blue just a week prior. The constant lying had spiraled. The lie had become too big to hide, but too heavy to tell. 

He was feeling pretty relieved now, however, sitting on the floor of his apartment without the responsibility of a girlfriend weighing him down anymore. Perhaps Blue hadn’t been the one after all.

Adam didn’t love it when his job forced him to play some sort of fucked up misogynistic and homophobic character. When it forced him to play dress up and act like a submissive little girl just for the enjoyment of older men. When the clients would call him slurs whilst fucking him. When he had to submit, give up his control, let himself just feel pleasure and let someone stronger, older, just care for him, praise him, tell him that he was a good boy, that he was perfect, that he..

He was feeling pretty horny now, however, sitting on the floor of his apartment, tenting in his boxers. Yeah, maybe he wasn’t so sure about his feelings regarding that aspect of the job. All he knew right then and there was that he was too tired to deal with his half-hard cock. It was already way too late, and his classes started early the next day. 

With a yawn, he stood up, tossing the delicate blouse aside. Ruined. His soft sheets enveloped his slender frame when he laid down in his bed, slowly drifting away, thoughts consumed by his mantra. He was doing it for the money. He was doing it for the life he would be able to live after he graduated. He was doing it so he could live somewhere nice, at least nice for being Harlem. It would all be worth it in the end. He was already sick and tired of waiting for his life to start, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to spend that life drowning in debt. 

In the morning, he would wake up to a notification from his bank about a direct deposit, his reward for the session with the businessman. With that knowledge, Adam slept peacefully.

_ _ _

On the other side of Manhattan in Greenwich Village, Ronan couldn’t sleep. That wasn’t uncommon. However, this time it was because he was thinking about sex, and not all of his demons. Ganseys words were stuck in his brain, looping. The only times Ronan actually got sexually frustrated was when Gansey forced him to think about the lack of sex he was having.

Resting on his nightstand, his phone buzzed. Ronan usually replied to text messages in two to five business days, but now he had nothing better to do. It was from Gansey. A link.

 **Dick**  
2:31 AM

shorturl.at/lpDTU  
I think this might suit your tastes! The password is “lover” (: <3  
**Read**

Ronan clicked the link, being prompted for the password. His fingers glided along the keyboard of his phone, entering the code. He was going to murder Gansey in cold blood.

It was clearly the landing page for some prostitute ring. “Escort service”, as Gansey had put it. Ronan went back to his texts.

  
**Ronan**  
2:35 AM

FUCK OFF!  
**Delivered**

Although, who was he kidding. Ronan headed right back to the webpage, finger hovering over the tab “Boys.” It was clearly immoral, wrong, fucked up, depraved, it was all of that, but Ronan had never exactly been an upstanding citizen. He tapped his way to a wide array of pictures of men. Or “boys.” Ronan really hoped they weren’t actually underage. They were simple pictures, headshots. They all looked like models. Ronan was really expecting something more lewd and sexually charged. Supposed there was time for that later. Whilst scrolling down, he wondered what kind of person he was looking for.

When he saw the photo in front of him, he knew exactly what he was looking for.

He was handsome in a classical sense. Beautiful features, beautiful blue eyes. Ronan’s eyes were drawn to his hand, in the image the boy's thumb was grazing his slightly parted lips. He had elegant, long fingers and it did something to Ronan.

_Adrian_

“Adrian.” Ronan mumbled to himself.

He liked the way it rolled off of his tongue. He imagined exclaiming it in bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! hope u enjoyed it and look forward to updates
> 
> not beta'd/proofread, i apologize for any mistakes
> 
> i also don't don't know anything about new york, the american college system, escort services and so on, i'm just tryna google my way into being somewhat realistic. suspend your disbelief!! adam as a character (who hates being seen as charity) would probably hate being a sugar baby so suspend your disbelief there too!


	2. Chapter 2

Ronan’s mind was consumed by  _ Adrian  _ for pretty much every minute leading up to the day they were supposed to meet. The escort service required a couple of days notice, and it kept Ronan on edge. He wished he could just get it over with.

He had already painted Adrian twice and his hands once, but Ronan had little reference, and he was running out of things to keep his head occupied. Ronan’s assistant, a sweet girl fresh out of art school named Amelie, kept calling him about auctions and commissions, upcoming exhibitions at the gallery and interested buyers, but she was mostly met with non-committed mumbles and requests to reschedule all of it. 

“Ronan, you really can’t reschedule this type of exhibition. It’s your own exhibition! The guest list has been finalized. And I’ve already booked everything, the catering, and- and all of the press, I mean your interview just came out this morning! Didn’t you read it?! I left it on your breakfast bar!”

When Amelie was stressed, she talked faster than Ronan drove. And her voice went into this shrill state, which Ronan despised. Sure enough though, on the marble top counter laid a black and white magazine. His face on the cover. 

“Hm. Well, when is this thing anyways?”

Amelie  _ gasped _ , clearly appalled at Ronan’s statement.

“When. Is. This. Thing!? You mean the biggest project of my life since my thesis? You mean the biggest exhibition of your life since ever!? It’s on Wednesday, Ronan, and all you have to do is show up for two hours to your own dumb gallery, have a glass of champagne, maybe crack half a smile, talk about your stupid art when rich people ask about it and be happy that your assistant is a fucking miracle worker!” 

Ronan cracked a smile. Now, this was the type of energy that made Ronan love Amelie, and what got her hired when Ronan’s previous assistant got fed up with his bullshit. Besides, his meeting with Adrian was on Tuesday. No worries. 

“Alright. Thank you, Amelie.”

  
  


_ _ _

On Tuesdays, Adam’s classes ended early which gave him ample time to step away from his role as Adam, the Ivy League college student and into his role as Adrian, the luxury escort. It meant changing out of his ordinary wardrobe, filled with neutral tones and thrifted basics to flowy silk shirts and soft pastels. Applying highlighter to his high, sharp cheekbones and gloss to his pale lips. Besides all of that, he also had to prepare himself for bottoming. He didn’t really know anything about this new client, but with men he was pretty much always the submissive one. 

Adam had to hurry out of his apartment, choosing an outfit had taken too long despite his planning, to make it to the subway in time. The meeting with Mr Lynch was at his penthouse in Greenwich village, which meant a thirty minute trip along two different metro lines. On the train, his nerves hit. Adam prefered regulars. Prefered knowing what he was getting himself into, prefered knowing what kind of fucked up shit they were into and how he should act accordingly. He liked knowing whether they were kind or not, if he could feel safe with them. 

He began fidgeting with the billowy sleeve of the cream blouse he was wearing. Blue had complimented it once, said it enhanced it his complexion. Without her and all of her hipster friends he would probably never feel comfortable with expressing himself in such a feminine way, but as soon as he left Virginia and came to New York he felt like he stepped into a whole new world, a world where boys wore nail polish, girls had shaved heads and dyed eyebrows. 

A world where boys kissing boys was nothing special, and it was okay to like both, it was okay to not really be sure of what you want, and it was okay to not want anything at all. Even if they had broken up now, Adam prayed they could still be friends. He prayed Blue would still help him have the courage to express himself freely, he prayed she would still take him to the ballrooms of Harlem, he prayed she would still keep him up at night, talking for hours about injustices and her plan to save the world.

Adam fished out his phone from his bag.

**Adam**

7:51 PM

I miss you. I’m sorry for how things ended.

I wish we could go back to being friends.

**Delivered**

The familiar voice announced that he had reached his stop. He put his phone away, and headed up from the underground.

_ _ _

Ronan thought he had been losing his mind before, but now it was the day of. It was ten minutes before Adrian was supposed to arrive and he was going in- fucking- sane. What he had been thinking? How could he have allowed Gansey to get into his head like this? How could he have been so fucking desperate that he fell in love with an image of a boy on his phone, and then proceeded to  _ buy  _ that boy for the night.

Ronan had done a lot of fucked up shit in his life. But this was most likely the height of it.

If he allowed himself to be rational, this was clearly the opposite, it was the bottom of his downward spiral into madness. He had finally cracked. Pacing around his condo, the minutes seemed to tick by excruciatingly slow. Ronan had already instructed his doorman to let the hooker in, under the guise that he was a visiting “friend.” Now he was just waiting for the elevator to ding, walking up and down his hallway.

When it finally did, time stopped. The doors opened, and an angel stepped into the apartment. The picture hadn’t done him any justice, and in turn neither did Ronan’s paintings. Dressed in a loose creamy shirt, with the top buttons undone. Ronan could see the hint of defined pectoral muscles. The angel was lanky and angular, every limb screaming of elegance and opulence. 

“Mr Lynch, I presume?”

Ronan had been staring, not saying a word. Just getting his fill, imagining all of the way he would be able to paint him. In which settings, in which lights. But he couldn’t help but scoff at the title “Mr Lynch.”

“Ronan.” He said, regaining his balance. “Just say Ronan. And you must be Adrian?”

At that, Adrian smiled. It was a wicked smile, and it did something wicked to Ronan. “Yes, that’s right.” Adrian’s voice was just as ethereal as his appearance, soft and airy. He strode forward, so they were just a few inches apart. “What did you have in mind for us?”

Ronan was at a loss for words, mouth dry. Whilst Adrian spoke, his eyes had been transfixed on his lips. They looked soft, but when he looked closer he could see they were cracked, evident of incessant biting. Somehow, it was comforting. A crack on the surface. He was still a human after all. Ronan realized he still hadn’t replied.

“Uh- I..”

Adrian interrupted him, perhaps taking his hesitation as an invitation to take the lead. “Maybe you could start by offering me a glass? Do you have any champagne?”

After leading Adrian into his grand lounge, Ronan headed to the cabinet where he kept his alcohol. He hadn’t had a drink in a long time, and all of the bottles were remnants of his past. A time that felt distant now. For a second, he hesitated. He had to remind himself that he was already spiraling, and a glass would not hurt. 

When he turned back around, bottle of champagne in hand, he caught his angel inspecting Ronan’s apartment with a perplexed expression, brows furrowed. It was rather chaotic, he knew that. The walls were overflowing with art, at least the ones that weren’t covered in floor to ceiling windows. Still, Amelie would never allow him to live in a home that wasn’t stylish, so they had settled on what she called a “maximalist aesthetic.” 

As Adrian got caught looking, he quickly looked back at Ronan. Ronan caught his eyes widening ever so slightly at the bottle, but in just a second he had regained his composure and the smile was back on. “Perfect.” he said with a smile, accepting the tall glass handed to him.

They sipped their champagne in silence, Ronan watching Adrian closely. Examined him again. He was just so.. different. Different from any man Ronan had ever been with. He never thought that he could be so entranced and intrigued by someone as effeminate as Adrian. Perhaps that had been what he had been looking for. What the other men had lacked. Ronan enjoyed watching the way his long fingers grasped the champagne glass. Looking back up at his face, Ronan was suddenly struck by the fact that he looked young. His features soft, and untainted by age and time. Ronan’s stomach dropped, in fear.

“How old are you?” He asked, breaking the silence that had filled the room. His voice serious and unwavering. 

Adrian smiled, again, meeting Ronan’s gaze without a doubt.

“I am 21.” He replied, shortly.

“How old are you really?” Ronan asked again, earning a small laugh from Adrian.

His eyes didn’t waver, his smile didn’t falter despite Ronan probably not putting on such a kind face. “I am 21. Are you having doubts, Mr Lynch? Is it your first time?” He asked, taking another sip from his champagne.

Ronan’s jaw briefly dropped, shocked that Adrian had seen right through him, exposed his secret so easily. “Of course not. I’ve had sex before.” Ronan lied, effortlessly. 

“I meant, is it your first time hiring an escort?” Adrian clarified, still grinning at him.

Ronan hated feeling like he didn’t have the upper hand. Hated not getting the last word of every exchange, he hated the fact that Adrian was in control. If he wasn’t so thoroughly enchanted by Adrian, this was the time he would normally begin with throwing out threats and words of aggression.

“It is my first time. And I told you to call me Ronan.” He said, his anger at the situation slipping through in his tone.

“Well then, Ronan. Will you show me to your bedroom?” He was still smiling, and Ronan wanted to wipe it off of his smug face. He was going to show him, alright.

Ronan put down his barely touched glass of champagne, and did as he was told. His bedroom was on the second floor of his penthouse, and as Adrian walked up the glass stairs in front of him, Ronan got the chance to fully take in his body. His curves and edges, and the way his trouser hugged his ass but then flared out, bellowing around his legs with each step. He had decided that he really, really liked Adrian’s choice of outfit. 

Reaching Ronan’s king-sized bed, Adrian sat down, legs crossed again. Slender fingers travelled up his torso, unbuttoning more buttons of his blouse. “What would you like to do to me, Ronan?”

Shivers ran down his spine. Standing in front of Adrian, with the younger man's big, blue eyes looking up at him, Ronan felt as though he could melt into the floor at any second. To ground himself, he sat down next to Adrian on the bed, their thighs touching. Looking up at him, he just had one request, and despite his previous anger it was a soft one.

“Can I kiss you?” He asked, looking down at the crack in Adrian’s bottom lip, yet again. 

Adrian’s reply was swift and simple, because the next second his lips were on Ronan’s. At least this was familiar territory for Ronan. He had done plenty of kissing throughout his life, starting with nervous kisses with upperclassmen behind the gymnasium at Aglionby, all the way to making out with boys in the bathroom stalls of whatever gay club he had attended to distract from his demons, drugs making their faces melt together. At some strange points of his history he had even kissed Gansey, usually under the influence.

Kissing Adrian however, he felt both sober and completely gone at the same time. Sober, in the way that he felt like every nerve ending was ready, like he could feel everything so clearly. By then Adrian had shifted into his lap, and he loved the feeling of him rubbing against his growing erection. Completely gone, in the way that he was pretty sure all sense of control and consequence was out the window. Adrian could ask him to do anything, and Ronan would comply without a doubt.

His tongue grazing Adrian’s, combined with his cock rubbing up against the soft material of Adrian’s pants made Ronan moan against his angels lips. With that, he earned a soft giggle, and Ronan wished he would have recorded it and so he would be able to listen to it on repeat forever, as his eternal lullaby. 

Adrian’s hands shifted, away from underneath Ronan’s t-shirt where they had previously made their way at some point during their makeout session, to the zipper of his dark jeans, taking out Ronan’s dick. His angel was going to be the death of him, because his next step was sinking down to the floor between Ronan’s legs. He licked a wet stripe from the bottom to the top of Ronan’s length, causing Ronan to throw his head back in pure ecstasy. Now this, was unfamiliar territory. And fuck it, he would never admit it out loud, but Gansey was right. He had been missing out. 

As Adrian took more and more of him into his mouth, and his tongue flicked faster against his cock, Ronan’s moans got more and more intense, until Adrian pulled off, coming back up. His spit was dripping down the side of his lips, and Ronan pulled him in to lick it off of his skin. He was all lust now, giving in to his deepest urges and desires. Adrian smiled brightly, meeting Ronan’s intense eyes. 

“You want to fuck me now?” He asked, his voice sultry. 

Ronan nodded quickly, it was what he wanted most of all. 

Adrian got off of Ronan for a short moment, reaching for his bag. Out of it, he pulled a condom and a small bottle, which Ronan assumed was lube. “We don’t have to use a condom, I’ve never-” Ronan began, panting, about to admit it all before Adrian stopped him.

Adrian’s head jerked up, and his expression shifted into one of complete seriousness. “We’re using protection.” He said, words sharp. His entire being and tone shifted. Gone were his breathy and airy words and playful demeanor, remaining was a different person. Someone that demanded respect and someone you sure as hell didn’t fuck with it.

It made Ronan falter. “Alright, yeah, yeah of course.” He said. It also intrigued the hell out of him.

Then, just as quick as it had left Adrian’s persona came back. The smile was turned back on. “Yeah, we’re using protection.” He said, softly this time. Their game was back on. 

“Will you finger me? Stretch me out, yeah, for your thick cock?” With those words, Ronan forgot all about the break in character, his mind consumed by his lust yet again. “Take your clothes off. Get on your hands and knees.” He commanded, not sure where this confidence to even be commanding was coming from.

But he liked seeing Adrian do as he was told, unbuttoning the final buttons of his blouse and slipping out of his trousers. Left was just a sheer pair of underwear, lacy white panties that put his perky ass on display, as he got down on all fours. 

“Oh, fuck..” Ronan muttered, unable to keep his thoughts to himself. “You’re fucking incredible.” Ronan moved fast, slicking up Adrian’s hole as well as his own fingers with the lube. He’d dabbled in fingering himself, so he had a vague idea of what to do. Slipping in a finger, he began twisting it around, opening Adrian up. 

“Faster..” Adrian breathed, looking back at Ronan with wide eyes. Adding another finger, Ronan fulfilled his wish, fucking in and out. He would have loved to see Adrian pleasuring himself with his own long fingers, but for now he settled with seeing them occupied with spreading Adrian’s cheeks, giving Ronan easier access. One by one, he added more fingers, pleased with himself every time he hit a particular spot which made Adrian groan. 

“Hurry up and fuck me.” And who was Ronan to disobey? After removing the articles of clothing he had left on, he ripped the wrapper of the condom with his teeth, swiftly rolling it on. He was actually doing this. It was really happening. Perhaps he should have double checked to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, but his dreams never took place in the setting of the city, he always dreamt of Henrietta. Adrian would fit in so perfectly in his dreams. 

With that thought, Ronan pushed his cock into Adrian, feeling the other man’s entire body and being shifting underneath him. His rhythm was messy, he was far too excited by this new sensation to take it slow. The thrusts were rushed, and shit, he was going to come way too fucking fasts. Placing his hands around Adrian’s slim waist, he realized they were doing it all wrong. He had to see his face.

Pulling out, Ronan panted. “Turn around.” He managed to get out, flipping Adrian over by force. That’s better. “Good boy.” With Adrian’s knees pushed up to his chest, Ronan positioned himself over him again, falling back into his hurried pace. Time moved fast, and soon enough he was right back at the edge. Reaching down, he took Adrian into his hand, jerking him off just as quickly as he was fucking him. “You’re so beautiful, baby, you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. You feel so fucking amazing, so tight for me.”

Adrian gasped. “I- Ronan, slow down I’m gonna-” Another sweet, sweet moan slipped out of him, and Ronan’s grin was wide and bright. He decided not to listen, and kept going. “I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come, I’m g-” Adrian’s words morphed into something unintelligible, just soft whines and cries as he came all over himself, come dripping down his stomach. It threw Ronan right over the edge he had been standing at for so long.

He pulled out, tossing away the condom before crashing down into the bed next to Adrian. Holy shit. He had been missing out, he had been missing out, he had been missing out! They laid next to each other in silence, trying to catch their breaths. Ronan felt as though he had run a marathon, or perhaps snorted ten lines of coke in a row.

Adrian broke the silence. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I told you-” he began, but Ronan quickly interrupted him. “Shut up. You were fucking amazing.”

_ _ _

Adam’s heart couldn’t help but flutter. It was deeply ingrained in him, he loved being praised more than anything. And despite Adam losing his composure and allowing himself to slip up, Ronan seemed pleased with his performance. Sitting up, he tried his best to snap back into character. 

It had just.. been such a long time since anyone had focused on his pleasure. Some clients liked it, liked making him moan in earnest and enjoyed seeing him blow his load all over. But they were few and far between. Adam couldn’t remember the last time he’d had such an intense orgasm with a partner. 

Eventually, his post-sex haze lifted. Ronan didn’t look like he was going to get up anytime soon, laying knocked out with his eyes closed. Adam stood up. “Can I borrow your bathroom?”

“Ensuite is over there.” Ronan mumbled, motioning towards a glass door in the corner of the bedroom. Adam barely caught his words due to his deaf ear, but he caught the gesture at least. Making his way to the bathroom, he made his best effort to clean up. Wiping away his own drying come, as well as cleaning up the remnants of the lube all over his ass. His brown mascara had run, painting dark lines down his face. 

Returning to the bedroom, Ronan still hadn’t shifted from his position on the bed. Adam got himself dressed again, buttoning his blouse, and sitting down on the soft bed. Taking in the extravagant room around him, he decided to ask a question that had been on his mind the entire evening. “What do you do for a living?”

“I’m an artist. Painter.” The figure on the bed replied.

Adam choked a scoff. The artists he knew lived in studios with two roommates and worked part time at Starbucks. They did not live in huge penthouses, with marble flooring and panoramic windows. They did not pop vintage bottles of Cristal without a second thought.

But he supposed it made sense. There was art in every single nook and cranny of the apartment, paintings and sculptures and interesting pieces of furniture. Above the bed, hung a huge painting of a forest. It reminded him of home, and he quickly forced himself to think of something else. He wondered if it was all Ronan’s own work. He refrained from asking the question, feeling as though he had already overstepped the line with his previous inquiry. 

He also felt as if he had kind of failed as a hooker. His plan had been to wreck Ronan, force him to unravel from the inside out, wrap him around his finger. Do all kinds of things to him, go on for ages. Instead, he himself had unraveled under Ronan’s touch and his praising words. Embarrassing. He was a professional. Then again, Ronan didn’t seem to mind. Happy client meant happy Adam, because a happy client meant a direct deposit on its way. 

Reaching into his bag, he flipped up his phone, checking the time when the next train would leave from the nearby metro station. He also had a text from Blue.

**Blue**

8:17 PM

chat after class 2mrrow? @ work

**Read**

Adam smiled. She was probably working the evening shift at the greasy pizzeria, just around the corner from her dorm. The text wasn’t much, just a promise of further conversation, but it was so much better than radio silence. He hated the thought of losing his closest friend. His only friend who really knew anything about Adam, he kept the rest of his friends from school at an arm's length. Deep in thought, he hadn’t noticed Ronan sitting up again, returning to the land of the living.

“So.. How does this work. Do I like, tip you?” The words caught Adam by surprise, and he quickly put his phone down. God, he was sloppy tonight.

“Uhm, no. The agency will handle the payment. They will contact you with the information.” He said, fiddling with the cuffs of his shirt. 

“What if I want to tip you extra?” Ronan was looking at him with such an intense gaze, it almost made Adam want to look away, perhaps submit again. But he had to snap out of it for real now. He couldn’t work like this, he had to stay in control. He had to.

“No. All payments go through the agency.” He replied, rising to his feet and collecting his belongings. Time to say his goodbyes. 

“Are you free tomorrow night?” Ronan looked up at him, blue eyes meeting matching blue.

“I don’t have any scheduled appointments, but if you want to book a meeting you must contact the agen-”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it, I’ll contact the fucking “agency.” Ronan grinned, shaking his head at him. “Since when did hookers get so damn bureaucratic?”

Adam couldn’t help but smile at that. “Since we got so damn expensive.” He quipped back. “Have a good night, Ronan. Thank you.”

  
  
  


Adam didn’t get a chance to fully exhale until the elevator doors closed behind him. Holy fuck, he wasn’t supposed to do this. He wasn’t supposed to allow himself get so lost in the sex. It was becoming a bad habit, as soon as the client was remotely attractive and didn’t have completely fucked up requests, Adam indulged himself. This was the highest level of unprofessionalism he had reached, however. Ronan had just been.. so different from the median man that Adam met up with. Initially, when he had first laid his eyes on Ronan, Adam had been fucking terrified. Most clients were much older, much less attractive. Someone as attractive as Ronan would have no trouble picking up a lover in any other way besides an escort service. 

Those types of men usually turned to sex workers when they wanted to do something depraved and shameful, something they couldn’t even ask of a one night stand.

Something that would make Adam want to take five showers and scrub every cell off of his skin, so that new cells could rebuild his body and create a new person that those types of men had never touched. He let out a deep sigh, leaning towards the mirrored wall of the elevator as the long ride continued downwards, the floors ticking down one by one. 

It was probably Ronan’s first time with a man, Adam concluded. That was why he turned to prostitution, perhaps he was deep in the depths of the closet. It made sense, he had seemed so excited and rushed. Or perhaps this had just been a test run, and the fucked up shit was coming up tomorrow night. As Adam stepped out into the hot, summer evening he repeated his mantra to himself all the way to the subway. 

He was doing it for the money. He was doing it for the life he would be able to live after he graduated. He was doing it so he could live somewhere nice.

And maybe it was okay that sometimes, he was also doing it because it felt really good to be held and told that he was perfect. It felt good to be enough for someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks again for the kind comments on the first chapter! they are really motivating. i hope you like this installment as well, it's my first time writing smut so i hope it lived up to expectations
> 
> i hope this slightly longer chapter will hold you off for a lil while, the next update will probably arrive by the end of next week.
> 
> (also can you imagine how many times i had to go back and change the name from adam to adrian in ronan's perspective?)


	3. Chapter 3

Adam had been hired for an event. It was a rare occurrence, but it happened. Now and then a man or woman would buy him as their date, whether it was for a dinner, a gala, or in this case, an exhibition. He was hired to be a trophy, something to show off and for other people to admire. Adam wasn’t supposed to speak, just look pretty on someone's arm. Laugh at their jokes. Smile and nod. Ronan had told him that he wanted to see him again that evening, but he was still surprised when he got the call from the agency as soon as he stepped off the subway the prior night. After all he had embarrassed himself. He couldn’t understand why Ronan would want to show him off.

The further instructions from the agency were to wear a suit, and meet Ronan at his penthouse at seven. The only appropriate attire he had was a two piece suit he had bought for a similar job a few months prior, accompanying a woman to a charity event. An all black ensemble, which he paired with a just as dark shirt. Whilst he enjoyed his usual feminine uniform, to an extent, he couldn’t deny that he was much more comfortable like this. It was more incognito, it was easier to blend in. His shirt was still silky, however. Perhaps it was strange, but Adam didn’t like wearing anything that he would wear during his everyday life while he was working. He liked keeping himself separate from the person he had to be at night, to every extent. So, he opted out of any of the shirts he would wear to school and settled on the black, silk button up. 

He found himself sitting in the same position as he had just a day before, on Ronan’s couch with a glass of champagne in hand. Ronan wasn’t quite ready yet, with his good ear he could hear his steps on the floor above. It gave him the opportunity to wander, and take in more of Ronan’s apartment. 

And, what an apartment it was. There were three floors, one which Adam hadn’t seen yet, but he imagined it leading to the roof. Perhaps Ronan had a rooftop garden. That would fit right in. Adam caught himself getting disgusted by the blatant display of luxury, as he passed one of the bathrooms, with a shower about the size of his own apartment. This job allowed him to see all types of wealthy people. Old money, with their grand townhouses and summer homes in the Hamptons, who never had to worry about anything. New money with their flashy clothes and cars, trying their hardest to prove to everyone else that they were rich. He wasn’t quite sure where to categorize Ronan yet, but his current theory was new money. He hated all of them, though. Deep down, Adam knew that really, he just wanted to be them.

Adam continued his tour. Ronan’s kitchen was huge, but it didn’t look used. All of the tools hung perfectly straight above the stove, and there wasn’t a single glass or plate out of place. Moving on through one of the hallways, he ended up in a library. Then, Adam allowed himself to indulge himself in the opulence. It was gorgeous, the walls completely lined with books upon books. The dark hardwood floor made the most beautiful sound as the heels of his dress shoes stepped across the boards. Just like in every other room of the home, the view seen through the tall windows was breathtaking. The view from Adam’s apartment was a lovely look straight at the brick exterior of the neighbouring house. Gently, Adam ran his fingers along the spines of a few of the books. Analyzing the titles, a lot of them seemed to be about political theory, at least in the section he was inspecting. The shelf was lined with biographies about presidents and prime ministers, coupled with books about the future of capitalism or the history of liberalism.

When a new set of steps echoed through the quiet library, Adam quickly turned around, retracting his hand. He hadn’t meant to linger, nor let Ronan know he was snooping. Meeting his gaze, Adam had a hard time reading his expression. But he didn’t seem angry that he had wandered off, at least. Since Ronan wasn’t speaking up, Adam was the one to fill the silence.

“Do you read much?” Curiosity always got the best of him.

“No. They’re all my shithead brother’s.” Ronan replied, turning around as he began walking out of the library. “Come on. We’re late.”

Ronan’s driver took them to the gallery, and they rode in silence. Adam tried to read Ronan again, he decided that he appeared nervous. Not in the excited, explosive way he had been the other night. More in an anxious, dreading way. For the first time, Ronan didn’t have his eyes locked on him, the way he usually did. He was staring out the window, biting at his leather bracelet whilst also itching at his suit.

Adam really liked how he looked in the suit. The dressed up feel complimented his rough and dangerous looking features. Slithering up his collar was the hint of his tattoo. During their hookup Adam had just gotten brief glances of it, he’d never seen Ronan from behind. From what he had seen however, it seemed to fill up his entire back and neck.

The sounds of the city slipping in through the rolled down window calmed Adam, and he felt content just sitting there, looking at Ronan. Since Ronan was almost always staring at Adam, he thought it was only fair that he also got to look, now when he was finally distracted. The moment was interrupted by the car stopping, announcing their arrival.

The driver opened the door for them, and after Ronan got out he reached his hand back to help Adam exit the vehicle. It was a sweet gesture, and Ronan didn’t let go of his hand. It put a smile on his lips. 

By the glass doors, there was a mean looking guard, holding a tablet, looking up the names of the people standing in line. When he and Ronan approached, he stepped aside. Everyone stepped aside for them, clearing the way. Adam barely had time to process it, before they were inside the gallery, and Ronan was swarmed. 

It dawned on Adam that this was Ronan’s own event. He was the artist of the hour. Shit, he really should have googled him before agreeing to this. Or perhaps, Ronan should have told him that he was the main character of the whole ordeal. Ronan dodged most of the attempts at conversation thrown at him by other guests, offering them small grunts or an off-hand instruction to speak to the gallery staff about any questions. 

He didn’t let go of Adam’s hand.

Moving through the gallery, there seemed to be only one person Ronan deemed worthy of his time. A man, looking to be about the same age as Ronan, had approached them. 

“There you are. I was worried you weren’t going to bother to show up!” The man said with a bright smile. He was beautiful, with golden brown hair and a mesmerizing smile. He looked like the type of boys in his classes who had everyone enchanted, peers and professors alike.  _ Old money _ , he quickly noted, after taking one look at his clothes as well as his posture and demeanor. “And who is this? Are you going to introduce me?” 

“This is my friend, Dick.” Ronan sighed, gesturing towards the man. 

“Well, Richard Gansey III, actually!” Gansey said, his smile still radiant despite Ronan’s rude behaviour, as he reached his hand out to shake Adam’s.

Yeah, Adam had been right. He was old money. 

“Adrian.” Adam said, shaking his hand firmly, not quick enough to come up with a fake last name on the spot.

“Adrian! A lovely name. Latin in its origin, you know. Ronan, you didn’t tell me you were bringing a date.” Gansey turned back to Ronan, clearly excited.

“Guess I forgot to mention it. See you later, Gansey.” Ronan decided that their conversation was over, putting his arm around Adam’s waist as he led him deeper into the gallery. 

All around them were people admiring Ronan’s art, and Adam decided to join them. Looking around, a running theme seemed to be religious imagery. The best way Adam could describe it was some sort of modern take on renaissance art. It had all of the feel and flow of renaissance paintings, but with dark and strong colours and an edge more reminiscent of brutalism. Everything Adam knew about art was strictly theoretical.

They settled in front of one of the larger pieces of the collection. It depicted a dark forest, similar to the one that hung above Ronan’s bed. Placed right in the middle was a black cross, a stark contrast to the rest of the soft painting.  _ Home _ . He had to remind himself that Virginia wasn’t home, the forest at the edge of the trailer park wasn’t home, abuse and violence and blood wasn’t home. 

While Adam was looking at the painting, Ronan was looking at Adam.

“What do you think?” He asked, his eyes not leaving Adam.

“I like it.” Adam replied, not looking away from the piece of art in front of him. Perhaps he was meant to say more. Say  _ why  _ he liked it. Previously, as they had been passing through the gallery he overheard a woman commenting on one of the other pieces, talking about the colour story and how she liked the way the painting told a story of loss and drama, whilst still not overdoing it.

“I mean.. I don’t know much about art. It’s not how I was raised, my drawings were never hung on the fridge. I’ve always been the analytical one, I never bothered to appreciate the finer things, I suppose. Only the practical.” He began, and before even realizing that he was oversharing, Adam continued. “But I like it. It makes me filled with some sort of happy nostalgia, for a time that wasn’t happy in reality. A time that I try to avoid thinking about, and in a way I don’t like the way this painting is forcing me to think about it anyways. I guess it makes me feel a lot of different things. Perhaps that’s the.. purpose of art.”

Adam finally looked away from the painting, meeting Ronan’s eyes. His expression was.. contemplative. Maybe a bit surprised, with his eyebrows raised. Adam subsequently recognized that he had overstepped. He’d shared something deeply personal. Even if it was vague enough, it scared Adam. He was afraid that he had given Ronan power, that he had allowed him to know something about the real him. Not something about Adrian.

Ronan opened his mouth, as if he was just about to reply, when a short woman rushed up to them. “Ronan! Why are you wearing your black suit!? I told you to wear the navy one, you wore the black one for the interview! Have you spoken to Ms Wolfsbet? She’s interested in the golden piece. And I’m sorry to say that Declan and Matthew couldn’t make it, unfortunately. But Mr and Mrs Ocasio are also interested in the golden piece.” 

The girl took a short breath, before rambling on.

”Have you talked to the woman from ARTnews? They’re doing a piece on the exhibition. And I’m sorry, I know you really wanted to show your brother the portrait. I could send a print over to DC? But I can’t believe you wore the black suit, Ronan! Are you trying to ruin my life?” 

She spoke with passion, and her sentences weren’t all that coherent. In a way, she reminded him of Blue when she was angry. Perhaps it was just her height.

“The navy one had a stain.” Ronan replied, neglecting to respond to all of her other questions and statements. She buried her face in her hands with a huff, before hurrying off just as fast as she came. 

“My assistant.” Ronan clarified.

“I see. She seems nice.” Adam said, nodding. Glad that he had left their previous subject of conversation slide.

“She’s batshit crazy.” 

The night continued. Adam tagged along next to Ronan, as he spoke to potential buyers as well as giving a short interview to a journalist. Ronan was apparently a Big Deal in the art world. Adam was definitely doing some research as soon as he got out of there. 

Above speaking to the other guests, Ronan seemed to prefer to walk from piece to piece with Adam, asking his opinion on each one of them. With each one, Adam grew a bit more confident in his critiques. He kept all personal connections to the art to himself after his previous slip up, but was still open with Ronan about what he thought.

About a smaller painting depicting a young blond boy, with a wide smile. “It’s really cute.”

About a piece depicting a dark forest, with a bright circle in the middle, like a halo. “I like the way you’ve done the lighting. It almost looks like a picture.”

About a painting depicting a back alley, with a bright and glowing cherub laying by the curb, the atmosphere surrounding the angel moody. “The colours are dramatic. I think that all of the religious images juxtaposed with modern elements are cool.”

“Cool?” Ronan grinned. 

“Cool.” Adam said, grinning right back.

“Yeah. Suppose it is pretty fucking cool.” Ronan shifted the grip he had around Adam’s waist even lower, fingers wrapping around his hip. He nodded towards a door, located beside the reception, before pulling Adam with him with determined steps. When he looked into Ronan’s eyes, he could see the same type of hunger that he had seen the night before.

The room he had dragged Adam into seemed to be some sort of office, overflowing with papers and folders. As Adam looked around the room, he heard the click of the lock turning.  _ Oh _ .

The chatter and steps from the gallery could still be heard. If Adam focused, he could even pick out words of conversations. The walls were thin.

When Adam looked over at Ronan, there was a distinct bump by the crotch of his dress pants.

Back into character, then. He was on the clock, it was good that Ronan reminded him of that. Adam didn’t mind. But he had also really enjoyed just looking at the art with him. “Are you an  _ exhibitionist _ , Ronan?” He grinned.

Ronan was leaning against the locked door, hands behind his back, looking at everything except for Adam.

“It’s okay to ask for what you want.” Adam breathed, taking a couple of steps forwards, standing in front Ronan.

“I have to stay here after the exhibition is over. I won’t have time to be with you after.” He began. 

“So you want to “be with me” right now instead?” Adam said, still grinning. The power he had in the moment gave him a rush, almost a high. He could probably make Ronan do anything for him. Even if he loved giving up control, for the right person, he also loved having it.

“Can you go down on me again?” Ronan asked, still not able to look straight at Adam.

“Can you be quiet?” Adam countered, cupping Ronan’s chin, forcing him to meet his eyes. 

“Yes. I can be fucking quiet.” 

“You sure?” Adam dropped down on his knees. “You don’t want them to hear?”

“Fucking hell..” Ronan muttered under his breath, as Adam unbuckled his belt. Adam took his time, unzipping Ronan’s trousers slowly, before placing soft kisses along his shaft over the fabric of his boxers.

As Adam pulled his underwear down, Ronan kept on uttering profanities. “You said you could be quiet.” Adam pointed out, before he took all of Ronan into his mouth. When sucking it dick is part of your job description, you get pretty good at it, and Adam was aware of that. He was also determined to make up for his performance the night before, determined to make Ronan unravel.

Judging from the fact that Ronan had to keep his hand locked over his mouth to stay quiet, Adam was pretty sure that he was succeeding. 

After Ronan came all over his face and mouth, as well as kindly offering him a napkin to clean up, he had put Adam right back in the back of the car that had taken him there, and sent him on his way home.

Adam would definitely not mind seeing Ronan again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!
> 
> hope you like this new chapter. thank you again for all the very kind comments, it really motivates me and it's honestly great that you guys take your time to write such nice things
> 
> next update will probably come out by the end of the weekend/beginning of next week! it will feature ronan and adams relationship progressing further, as well as some obstacles appearing


	4. Chapter 4

In the following weeks, to the surprise of no one, Ronan became a regular. They met at least a couple nights a week. The steady income was welcome, but it also scared Adam. He really couldn’t fuck it up and lose him as a client, because Ronan was beginning to pay all of his bills. 

After the evening at the gallery, Adam had done a deep dive on his laptop. The first hit for Ronan Lynch was a Wikipedia article, and it gave him access to some well sought-after information. He was 29, his middle name was Niall, he had two brothers, he owned an art dealership, and when Adam read his place of birth he wanted to toss his laptop across the room.

**Born** November 1st, Henrietta **,** Virginia.

**Education** Aglionby Academy

It was just a few miles away from his hometown. The next town over. He’d dreamt of attending Aglionby, but his father never let him. 

He had to calm himself down, taking a few deep breaths. Ronan had no idea where Adam was from, he never would. He had trained his accent away, never spoke about his origins, for all Ronan knew he was a New York native. 

He had to convince himself that his past wasn’t hunting him, it wasn’t out to get him. It was just a coincidence. So Adam kept quiet about his knowledge, and kept on attending their evening dates.

Another consequence of their regular meetings was Adam figuring out exactly what Ronan liked as well as what he didn’t like, the kind of information he couldn’t really figure out from his internet searches. 

Ronan liked sloppy blowjobs with a lot of spit and eye contact, he didn’t like when Adam refused to tell him anything about himself. He liked it when Adam wore lacy underwear, he didn’t like when Adam figured him out so easily. He liked when Adam moaned out loud and talked dirty, he didn’t like when he acted all innocent. He liked missionary, he didn’t like fucking Adam from behind. He liked coming on Adam’s face, he didn’t like when Adam didn’t finish.

He  _ loved  _ Adam’s hands.

Adam also figured out that Ronan was determined and stubborn. Almost as stubborn as Adam. Eventually, Ronan figured out some of the things Adam liked too. Before they did anything new together, he would always ask. It made Adam’s heart sing, but it also got on his nerves.

“Is there anything you really don’t want us to do? During sex?” He had asked one night. They were laying in Ronan’s bed, still exhausted from the previous session. Adam knew that he had to leave, but he was still catching his breath, and Ronan’s sheets were so soft, and the way Ronan was tracing the freckles on his chest with feather light touches made him not want to leave for a long time.

“This isn’t about what I want.” Adam reminded him.

Ronan sighed, deeply, as he often did. Wrong answer. Ronan stopped with the touching, and rolled over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling above them. “You’re right. It’s about what I want, and I want to know what you don’t like.” Ronan muttered, clearly agitated. 

He was right. Ronan was the man with the money, the man with the last word. “Fine.” Adam sat up, and thought about what he was going to say. There were so many things that he didn’t like, but he was in denial about all of it. He tried his very hardest to repress it all, forget about it as soon as he and his partner were finished. 

“I don’t like.. I don’t like violence.”

He thought about his head on the steps outside the trailer. The feeling of wet and warm blood running down the side of his skull, smearing over his cheek and getting into his hair. The ringing in one of his ears, the last thing he ever heard through it. 

“I don’t like it. So I don’t want you to slap me, or anything like that. I don’t mind you being rough, I can enjoy that, but I wouldn’t like it if you purposefully hurt me.”

By then, Ronan had sat up as well. All of his previous annoyance was gone, and he was watching Adam carefully. They were still both naked, and the autumn sunset cast the entire room in a warm, golden glow, adding to the fragility of the moment. 

“Anything else?” Ronan asked.

There were a whole lot of things he had to do with other clients he was barely comfortable thinking about. Much less talk about. He decided to spare Ronan’s innocence, and went with something else. 

“I don’t like being humiliated or put down. It’s a fine line, but I.. I like feeling..”

Adam would tell Ronan the most filthy things, and Ronan would say them right back, but now he got shy. Perhaps because this was Adam talking, not Adrian. The more nights he spent with Ronan, the harder it was to keep the two of them separate. 

“I like feeling dirty, or naughty, or whatever. But I don’t like being called names, or anything like that.”

Ronan nodded. “And what  _ do  _ you like?” He asked, meeting Adam’s eyes with a smile. “Besides being called a good boy.”

Adam smiled back at him. He had figured that one out all by himself. And Adam was already being honest, he might as well continue. “Well. I do like being praised. I like a lot of things. But a lot of it just stems from control. Having it or giving it all up. I like it when you hold my hands down. I like it when you tell me what to do.” 

I like it when you take care of me, when you kiss me softly, when you look at me like I’m the most beautiful person in the world, he thought, but he didn’t say it out loud. 

“I also like it when you do what I tell you to do. I enjoy the shifting dynamic.”

Ronan grinned at him. “I feel like this is the most information you’ve ever told me, Adrian. You secretive asshole.”

Adam let out a short laugh. “How about this. You get to ask me a question, and I get to ask you one.” 

Ronan nodded quickly, clearly excited by the idea of getting to know more about Adam. It made him feel bad, in a way. Ronan wasn’t a bad person, yet here Adam was, making him fall in love with a fantasy. A person who wasn’t real. He had to remind himself that Ronan knew what he was getting himself into, and that he was still a rich, older man paying for his body.

Even if he ranted about the contemporary art world with endearing passion. Even if he ran his hands through Adam’s hair with such gentleness. Even if he opened up about his relationships with his brothers, or with his best friend, trusting Adam with dark secrets. 

“You go first.” Adam said, finally getting out of the bed as the last rays of sunshine dipped below the horizon. 

As he got dressed, Ronan remained still, deep in thought, trying to figure out what to spend his question on. 

When Adam had finished buttoning his shirt, Ronan spoke up. “Is this all that you do? Or do you have a day job?” They only met up during the evenings and weekends, and Adam had no doubts that Ronan had tried to get the agency to set up a meeting during the day, only to be informed that Adam was unavailable.

“I’m a student.” Adam answered, leaning against the doorframe.

Ronan lit up again. “Where? Is it here, in Manhattan? Do you go to NYU? Juilliard? Don’t tell me you’re a fucking Columbia-cunt like Gansey.”

“The deal was one question, Ronan. It’s my turn.” 

  
He sighed, defeated. “Fine. What do you wanna know then?”

Adam thought about it. He knew most things already, Ronan liked talking about all of his problems and what was going on in his life during pillowtalk. Adam was a good listener, and he also never forgot.

“What’s your favourite colour?”

Ronan scoffed. “ _ That’s _ what your question is?”

“Come on. What’s your favourite colour!” Adam repeated, grin wide and bright.

“Alright, alright. It’s green. All kinds, dark green, emerald green, pastel green and so on.” 

  
  
  


Fuck, Adam liked Ronan. It was becoming a problem. At first, he was thinking about him when he was with other clients. How he wished things were different, how he wished he was with Ronan instead. Ronan would never choke him without asking. Ronan would never leave marks. Ronan would never slap him around.

It was clearly worsening his performance, he wasn’t able to play the part flawlessly anymore. A couple of his nastier regulars even stopped hiring him, which was both good and bad. It meant he wouldn’t have to deal with their requests or their abuse anymore. It meant that even more of his nights were left free for meetings with Ronan, or just hanging out with his friends and studying like a normal college student in their early twenties. But it also meant that he was even more dependent on Ronan as his main source of income.

Then, he started thinking about Ronan during his days. He knew he was in some deep shit when he thought about how Ronan would laugh at some pretentious shit said by his classmate. When he stopped while passing a piece of graffiti in his neighbourhood that Ronan would love, snapping a picture of it. Adam hit “share”, and was about to send it to him when he remembered that he didn’t have his number, they weren’t actually friends, he was an escort and Ronan was a client and that was all that it was. 

He even thought about Ronan whilst walking home from class with Blue, when they passed a vegan eco-friendly coffee shop that Ronan would hate, but Blue loved. “This is the place I was telling you about! Tonight they’re having an open mic, the theme is the link between capitalism and the patriarchy. Do you want to come with me?” She asked, looking away from the shop, back at Adam. He was holding their umbrella above her, shielding the two of them from the trickling rain. 

That night, he was meeting Ronan again. “Can’t. I have to study. We have a group project in my international relations class.” He lied. He had been able to rekindle his friendship with Blue, luckily, but just as he had been a shitty boyfriend, he was being a shitty friend. Lying constantly.

The door of the coffee shop opened, the bell jingling. “Jane!” Someone called out. Suddenly, Adam didn’t have to just think about Ronan, because he was standing right in front of him. He had his hood pulled up over his buzzed head, and dark shades covering his eyes but Adam could probably pick him out from a crowd no matter what.  _ Shit _ .

_ _ _

“Jane, I was just talking about our discussion about the line of succession of rulers in ancient Wales with my friend Ronan! How curious that we would run into you.” Gansey was practically beaming. He had refused to shut up about this girl during his and Ronan’s coffee date. The coffee had also been disgusting, so it was an unpleasant experience overall for Ronan. 

And there she was. She wasn’t really what Ronan had been expecting when Gansey said he had been creeping on some undergrad girl. Her clothes were peculiar, she was wearing a patchwork skirt with all kinds of clashing colours and a sweater with rips all over it, the edges frayed. Ronan wasn’t quite sure if it was distressed on purpose or not. Beside her stood a taller boy, not quite as tall as Ronan but he looked like the tallest man on earth next to the tiny girl. His clothes were way more muted, and as Ronan looked up at the man’s face he looked almost ethe-

It was  _ Adrian _ . Ronan’s heart instantly sped up. He hadn’t even recognized him. The way he was dressed, the way he carried himself, it was all so different. Adrian was wearing jeans, for fucks sake. Ronan had only ever seen him in dress pants or flowy trousers. He didn’t have any of the shimmery shit he always put on his cheekbones. Even his hair was parted slightly to the wrong side.

The only hint of  _ his  _ Adrian was his nails. Well manicured and with pastel green nail polish, they were a contrast to his dark brown hoodie. Ronan was surprised Adrian even owned a hoodie.

“Well, we were just heading home from campus. And my name isn’t actually Jane, it’s Blue.” The girl said, smiling at Ronan. But Ronan wouldn’t take his eyes off of Adrian. 

She shot him a dirty look. “Alright then.. Anyways, Adam, this is Gansey. He’s getting his Ph.D. in history, we met at Butler Library. Gansey, this is Adam, he used to live on the same floor as me at my dorm. He’s doing a joint major in economics-political science.” 

Adam?

“Adam, that’s a great name. Hebrew in its origin.” Gansey smiled just as brightly as he always did as he shook Adrian’s/Whatever the fuck his name actually was’/Adam’s hand. “As I said, this is my friend Ronan. Excuse his lack of manners.” Gansey was probably expecting Ronan to offer a rebuttal to his comment, but he remained silent, frozen in time as everything just happened around him. Neither he nor Adam had said a word during the whole exchange.

Gansey looked down at their joined hands, before letting go. “You know, you look awfully familiar Adam. Have we met before?”

Adam quickly shook his head.

“Oh yes, now I remember! You were Ronan’s date at his exhibition, in August, were you not?” Gansey said, looking over at Ronan, and then back at Adam.

“His date?” Blue asked, tone dripping in venom as she crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at Adam. “Adam?”

“I have to go. Sorry.” Adam said shortly. 

_ _ _

Adam’s heart was beating fast in his chest all the way home. He hated this feeling, so much. Pacing around his apartment, he tried his best to figure out how to salvage all of this. In the moment, his brain had stopped operating, and all he had known to do was run to his building. He always ran.  _ Fuck, fuck, fuck.  _

Blue had texted him. Adam didn’t know how to respond.

**Blue**

3:10 PM

do i not deserve an explanation? if you had just told me there was someone else i would’ve been okay with us leaving it at that. but lying is not okay.

**Read**

  
  


He began typing out a message. He erased it all.

  
  


**Blue**

3:12 PM

this is such toxic fucking behaviour i didn’t expect from you. asshole.

**Read**

Adam was so screwed. Building his friendship with Blue back up had taken ages, and now it was all falling apart again. The worst part was that everything she wrote was true. He was an asshole. Even if there hadn’t been anyone else in the way she thought, even if they had only dated for a short period and never really done anything intimate, he had still been cheating on her every other night.

Sometimes, Adam really hated himself. 

Most times he hated himself. 

The other issue was Ronan. He was still going to have to meet him that night. He’d already cancelled on his appointments twice, once when he had the flu, and once when he had pushed himself so far that he had thrown up on the subway on the way from one client to another. The agency operated under a “three strikes and you’re out” mentality.

Besides, he really couldn’t lose Ronan. Adam rarely saw anyone but Ronan by then. Ronan was income, Ronan was tuition, Ronan was rent, Ronan was food. 

Perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad. Ronan didn’t know too much about him, still. Just his first name and where he went to school. There were probably at least a hundred students named Adam at Columbia.

But perhaps not as many 21 year olds studying political science and economics.

With Ronan’s money and power, he could probably find Adam in a second. It made him sick to his stomach. Even if Ronan presented himself as a dangerous person, Adam doubted that it reflected who he truly was on the inside. But how could he know for sure? 

Among the results of his previous google search of Ronan’s name, was an article about his criminal history and controversies. A couple of DUI’s, and a charge of aggravated assault with a motor vehicle.

Deciding the situation with Ronan was too much to handle, he settled on trying to solve things with Blue.

**Adam**

3:38 PM

I know I’ve been horrible. I’m not trying to make excuses but I want to try to explain myself. Can we meet up? It’s something I want to tell you in person.

**Delivered**

It was worth a shot. Meeting with Ronan was also worth a shot.

  
  


_ _ _

The elevator dinged. His penthouse had been covered in silence, until the sound of the bell echoed through the halls, bouncing off of the marble. Ever since Ronan had arrived back home, he’d tried to process what had happened. What it all meant. 

Adam had escaped what would turn into an awfully awkward scene. The girl had clearly been fuming, whilst Gansey had been trying to save the situation by having them all talk it out. Ronan ran, just like Adam, citing that he had to paint.

They had a scheduled meeting. Ronan had convinced himself that Adam wasn’t going to come, however. In his eyes, Ronan had seen such fear. Like he was scared shitless of Ronan He was certain that this was the end of it, and that Ronan would have to go back to the person he was before he met Adam. It was a scary thought. He would never admit it, but Adam was such an important part of his life by then, of his routine. 

Ronan didn’t have a lot of friends. He could speak to Gansey about some things, but Gansey was also a dickhead. Noah was living in Europe. He fucking hated Declan, still not forgiving him for what he had done. Matthew was too innocent and still too young to talk to about most subjects. Amelie was merely his employee. 

He supposed Adam had been his employee too.

The sound of the elevator shocked him.

At first he thought that it could perhaps be Gansey, always curious and nosy, there to try and talk about Adam. Ronan was about to descend from the stairs, when he saw Adrian standing at the bottom of them, about to walk up.

Adam/Adrian. He was having a hard time getting used to the name change.

He was dressed in all black, with a soft looking turtle neck. They were well into September at that point, and Adam was slowly switching out his blouses for luxurious sweaters. The green nail polish stood out even more then, in the dim lighting of his apartment, than it had on the street a few hours earlier.

“Sorry I’m a bit late.” Adam said. “Do you want to go upstairs?” 

He looked a bit nervous, Ronan noted. It wasn’t common behaviour from Adrian, but perhaps it was from Adam. 

It’s not as if Ronan hadn’t noticed that Adam had two sides to him, but now that he could name the two it was easier to characterize them.

Adrian glided forward when he walked, spoke with an airy voice, always agreed with Ronan, and was a perfect representation of desire. Adam listened to Ronan talk shit, talked with a deeper and more assertive voice, and was a perfect representation of strength. 

“Sure.” Ronan muttered, turning around at the top of the stairs, moving towards his bedroom. Were they just not going to acknowledge it at all? Keep going as if nothing had happened? Ronan wasn’t sure that he could play along with the bullshit anymore.

Adam entered the room after him, sitting down on the end of the bed, just as he always did. Closing the door behind them, Ronan remained standing. 

“Do you want to talk about earlier today?” He asked, crossing his arms across his chest.

“It’s not about what I-” Adam started out, repeating the phrase he had said so many times.

“Shut up. Be honest with me instead of always fucking lying and deflecting.” Ronan barked, interrupting him. It came off harsher than intended. He just really fucking hated it when Adam said that shit.

“No, you shut up, okay?!” Adam exclaimed. “Do you think I want to lie? Do you think I want to pretend to be a different person? I don’t, but what I want is to be safe.”

Ronan was taken aback by Adam talking back, but he stepped down from the fight, allowing Adam to speak.

“You don’t understand how much power you have over me. If you wanted to, you could do whatever the fuck your heart desires, without consequence. You could destroy my life. So me lying isn’t to fuck with you, it’s to try and keep myself alive!”

Ronan frowned. “I would never do anything to hurt you. If anyone did hurt you, I’d fucking kill them myself.”

“You say that, Ronan, but how would I know?” Adam had calmed down slightly, his voice no longer raised. “I’m putting a lot of trust in you here.”

Ronan strode across the room, sitting down next to Adam. “I’m sorry. Bad day.” Adam said, voice soft and quiet.

Ronan smiled. “Yeah. Same.”

“What were you even doing at a place like that?” Adam asked, daring to smile as well. 

“Dick forced me to. The coffee tasted like fucking shit.” Looking up at Adam, Ronan continued with a grin. “I can’t believe you’re a Columbia-cunt, after all.”

“I can’t believe you wear sunglasses on a rainy day.” Adam countered.

“If I don’t when I’m visiting Gansey at his school, a pretentious art major will ask me for a selfie and ask for my opinion on their shitty, equally pretentious drawings.”

The sound of Adam’s short laugh filled the room, before the silence set in again. 

Ronan had to ask. “That little hipster you were with. She your girlfriend?” 

Adam shook his head, briefly. “She used to be. We dated for just a short while.. We broke up a week or so before your first meeting with me.” He said. “She’s pissed at me now, since Gansey said I was your date. Rightfully so..”

“She doesn’t know?”

“Nobody knows.” 

That couldn’t have been easy, hiding it from everyone. Ronan had his fair share of experiences keeping secrets from the people closest to him. It always went to shit in the end.

“I didn’t recognize you at first, today.” Ronan admitted. 

He wasn’t quite sure about how to phrase his next sentences. It seemed to be a complex and touchy subject for Adam. Perhaps he didn’t want to discuss the differences between Adam and Adrian. It seemed like he didn’t want Ronan to know anything about the real him. And it hurt.

“You were just.. so different. Not just your clothes. Your posture and just how you came off was different.” Ronan said carefully.

It’s not like Ronan had a preference. He liked the way Adam usually dressed when he came over, he wasn’t denying that, but Ronan wouldn’t mind Adam without all of the glamour and feminine elements. He just liked Adam, at the end of the day.

“It’s how I stay sane.” Adam replied, after a few moments of quiet reflection. “If I don’t keep the person I am while I work and the person I am while at school separate, I don’t think I could handle it. It’s not like “Adrian” isn’t me, it’s just a very extreme.. figment of my personality. Someone I want to be, and someone I also have to be.”

It seemed like he was forcing the words to come out, clearly not comfortable speaking about this. “Alright then, Batman.” Ronan said, poking him with his elbow, in an attempt to lighten the mood. “You wanna fuck now, then?”

It had been meant mostly just as a joke, but Adam seemed serious, as he chewed on his mint-coloured fingernails.

“Would it be okay if we just cuddled for a while?” He asked.

Ronan glared at him. It wasn’t a thing they did. As soon as Ronan attempted to make it a thing that they did, Adam sprung out of bed and got dressed, escaping the premises as quickly as he could. 

“Yeah.. Yeah, that sounds nice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!
> 
> thank u for reading this update! a bit of a longer chapter this time, hope u like it


	5. Chapter 5

When Ronan woke up, he had his arms wrapped tightly around Adam.

Suppose they both had fallen asleep. It was the first time Adam had spent the night.

By then, the sun was on its way up, and bright streams of light beamed into the room. Ronan was glad it wasn’t a Sunday, or his commitment to attending church service would ruin the moment. Had it been a Sunday, Ronan would have been forced to leave the warm bed, unwrap himself from Adam’s body, tell him he had to leave.

But it wasn’t a Sunday. And Ronan was going to indulge in this opportunity to hold his lover for just a little longer. 

The peaceful moment was interrupted when Adam awoke with a violent twitch. A second later he was sitting upright, looking around the room, disoriented.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep but I was so tired yesterday, shit, I’m so-” 

Ronan pulled him back down, bringing him right back into his embrace. “Shut up. It’s too early for that shit.” 

He could still feel Adam’s heart racing, but at least he wasn’t attempting to escape again. 

A few minutes passed, before Adam spoke up again. “Sorry.” 

Ronan should really have a talk with Adam about the fact that he had to stop apologizing for his existence. 

“Good morning.” Adam twisted around, so he was facing Ronan again. “I really didn’t mean to fall asleep here without asking.”

“You can sleep here as much as you want.” Ronan said, not daring to open his eyes again just yet. “I could get you a toothbrush.” 

By then Ronan had forgotten all of his intentions with hiring Adam, as well as his earlier skepticism around meeting someone.

_ No questions asked. No “how was your day?”-texts. No toothbrushes. _

He’d been lying to himself and Gansey. He wanted to ask so many questions, he wanted to text Adam constantly, and he wanted Adam to litter his apartment with his belongings.

“That’s kind of you.. But I have early classes most days.” Adam replied, and Ronan was unsure if it was an excuse or not. 

“I meant to ask you yesterday. You tryna become some corrupt politician like my brother, Mr “Economics and Political Science?” Ronan grinned, deciding to swiftly change the subject.

He finally opened his eyes, and they met Adam’s. “No.” Adam was smiling back at him. “I’m trying to get into law school.”

“Ah, I see. You pretentious ivy leaguer.”

The other boy sat up, crossing his arms. “Hey, Columbia is actually an amazing school, and I fought for it my whole life-” Adam began, smile gone again.

“I’m just messing with you, Adam. Force of habit from Gansey.” Perhaps Adam didn’t feel as confident as Gansey with his place in the world. Ronan didn’t know anything about Adam’s background, but he suspected that he didn’t come from money. He was a hustler.

Gansey didn’t need Columbia. He had a feeling that Adam did. 

Adam settled down again. “Sorry.. Gansey actually seems nice. I’m glad he was so excited about both of my names.”

Ronan laughed.

“Gansey is an idiot. Let’s not talk about him” Ronan began tracing his fingertips along the curve of Adam’s waist.

“What do you want to talk about then?” Adam asked, shutting his eyes with a content sigh.

His fingers followed the lines of Adam’s body, before they slithered in under his trousers, cupping his ass. Adam was still wearing the same clothes he did yesterday, just like Ronan, and he would have prefered it if they were both wearing less.

“Who said I wanted to talk at all?”

_ _ _

  
  


“For how long have you been doing it?”

“I started late last year. I did it a lot over the summer.. Built my clientele, I guess.” Adam replied. “It’s how I was able to move out of the dorms.”

Blue was sitting curled up on the corner of his bed, tucked into the corner of his small apartment. In the middle Adam had laid out the large box he usually kept stashed underneath his bed frame. The one containing his makeup, lacy underwear and feminine clothing. His work equipment.

“Oh..” Blue began. “Do you.. do you like it, then?”

It was such a difficult question to answer. He really didn’t know anymore. Adam hated it, and he loved it. It was starting to mess with his head, nestling into his everyday life and affecting his studies in a way he didn’t want it to. In a way he had promised himself that it never would.

“It’s complicated. It pays well. But.. it can really be awful sometimes. Sometimes I’ve just, completely dissociated. I don’t even remember a lot of my meetings.”

“Well, yeah.. You can never buy consent.” Blue stated. “You’re being sexually assaulted on a regular basis. Makes me uncomfortable to think about..”

Adam was already on edge, from the anxiety he felt around telling anyone about his sex work. And her words set him off. No one would ever understand.

“You don’t have to tell me that, Blue. You don’t think I know? I’m the one living through it.” He snapped. “Everything in this world is transactional, there’s a consumer and a provider to every little thing. And I’ve decided to capitalize on this form of transaction, sex, to survive. Sorry if it makes you fucking uncomfortable.”

“That’s not what I meant, Adam, I just.. I’m worried for you.” Blue said with a deep frown. “Are you sure you’re okay with all of this? The fact that you’re going through this trauma isn’t good. Eventually it’ll catch up to you. It sounds like it already has.”

He sighed. “I have to be. I’ve already gotten myself into this, might as well continue until I’ve funded my education completely. I’ve basically already covered the costs of my bachelors, now I’m just trying to save up for law school.”

Adam fiddled with one of the thongs in the box. It was white, and lacy, and horribly uncomfortable. Blue was just trying to be supportive, he knew that, but she would just never understand. And Adam could never explain.

Talking about the negative sides about his job was tough. It made it all true, it made it harder to ignore, suppress, forget.

“It’s not all bad.. There’s this one client I have..” He couldn’t help it. A small smile appeared on his lips.

“The man from the coffee shop?” Blue asked, daring to smile as well as the tension in the room had lifted.

“Yeah. His name is Ronan. He’s a painter, and he owns an art dealership and gallery with his brothers. And I think he really likes me.”

Blue looked at him, mischief in her eyes. “Well, do you like him then?” 

“I like him as much as you can like a client.” Adam supposed.

“He seemed kind of rude, though.” She grinned. “He didn’t even bother to say hi to me. A stereotypical rich asshole.”

Adam smiled brighter. “Usually he’s really kind. Despite his whole punk image. I think he was just shocked when he saw me. When I meet him I’m always dressed like this..” He picked up a pastel pink blouse, holding it up for Blue. 

“Stylish.” Blue teased.

“I know.” Adam stood up, cleaning up the clothes and makeup spread out on his bedsheets. 

“Why don’t you dress more feminine at school? You seem to like it.” Blue asked, laying down. She had always prefered his proper bed over the shitty mattress at her dorm. “I know you loved it when I did your makeup, when we went to that gay bar.”

“I don’t want any extra attention at school. And to be honest with you..” Adam put away the box again, hiding it in the shadows underneath. “It’s a way for me to cope with the traumatic shit. I want to keep me at school separated from me at work, and the way I dress and present myself is a part of that. I’ve created this character and his name is Adrian. All of the crazy shit doesn’t happen to me, it happens to Adrian. I know it makes me sound insane.” Adam crashed back down on the bed, laying beside her.

“No, I think it makes sense. It’s a common coping mechanism, I reckon..” Blue twisted around, looking at him. “You’re not insane. You’re just dealing with something difficult just like the rest of us. If Persephone were here, she’d pull out her deck and I bet your card would be right at the top, and it would mean.. something significant.”

Adam had met Blue’s family once, when visiting her home in Brooklyn. The place had been messy, but not in a dirty way. It had just been filled to the brim with life, and magic. Even if Adam was a realist skeptic, he’d allowed himself to get lost in their psychic readings, tarot cards and protective runes. 

When the blonde woman, whose relation to Blue was kind of unclear, perhaps a distant aunt or her mother’s lesbian lover, had given him his reading she’d always pulled up  _ The Magician _ first. It was his card. For Adam’s birthday, Blue had given him a hand painted version of the card, and it now hung up on the wall above his bed.

He wondered what cards Persephone would pull for Ronan.

“Thank you for listening to me. But I have to get ready now. I’m meeting a new client tonight.”  
  
  
  
  
  


Adam’s first thought was  _ Ronan is going to hate this. _

He was staring at himself in his bathroom mirror, inspecting the damage on his neck. The woman had been insane, most likely on drugs. It was strange that she had even been approved by the agency to begin with.

Red scratches and bite marks littered his skin. She’d choked him, in the way Adam hated, before proceeding to use her teeth instead. 

Adam was still a bit shaken, as he sat down on his toilet seat. If he tried hard enough, he’d be able to repress this too. Stuff it into the back of his mind, along with all of the memories of his other appointments. But the physical marks made it difficult to ignore. He’d been glared at all the way home, his deeply cut shirt not concealing anything. 

The next day, he could just wear a high turtleneck and none of his classmates or professors would suspect a thing. But Ronan would lift up his sweater to place gentle kisses on the soft skin of his neck, only to be greeted by the damn bruises. 

It was getting late, and he had to get to bed if he was going to be conscious for his morning classes. He doubted that his thoughts would be so kind to him, however. It was going to be a sleepless night.

His life was really falling apart at the seams.

The same thought ran through his mind the next night, as he realized that he’d missed his stop on his way to Ronan. He’d fallen asleep in his first class, he’d cut himself whilst shaving his legs, he was going to be late, and he was going to be forced to handle the fact that Ronan’s reaction to the marks would most likely not be pleasant.

Most clients hated knowing that there were  _ others _ . It reminded them of the reality of the situation, pulled them right out of the fantasy. And he was pretty sure that the fantasy he was currently selling to Ronan, and perhaps to himself, was that they were monogamous lovers.

His neck was clearly stating that the opposite was true. Their complex relationship meant that it would hit even harder. 

The familiar sound of the bell dinging, announcing his arrival, filled him with anxiety. Ronan wasn’t there to greet him by the door, meaning he was probably upstairs in his bed waiting.

The steps felt neverending, as he walked up. 

Ronan met him by the landing, pulling him in for a soft kiss. 

Ronan’s kisses became different as their relationship progressed. At first they were rushed and rough as if Ronan felt the need to hurry. But as they met more and more, his kisses became soft and sweet, and Ronan always took his time.

“Hi..” Adam said quietly, as they finally broke apart.

“Hey.” Ronan said with a big grin. He was clearly in the mood, the look in his eyes making it obvious. “Come on.”

Adam was lead into the familiar setting of Ronan’s bedroom. He was about to stop Ronan, tell him about what was hiding underneath his warm sweater. Ronan was way ahead of him, however, having already ripped off both his own and Adam’s shirt.

He froze in an instant. 

“Who did this to you?” Ronan demanded, his face twisted into a frown. 

Adam scoffed. His protectiveness could be endearing. But also so fucking delusional.

“Who do you think?” He asked, sitting back down on the side of the bed, crossing his arms over his bare chest. He felt exposed, as Ronan towered in front of him, staring at him with such anger in his eyes. “A client did.”

“And you let him? Why?” Ronan was clearly heated, his voice raised in a way Adam hated.

“ _ Her _ .” Adam corrected him, keeping in a sigh. “I let her do it. Because it’s my fucking job.”

The room went quiet again. Ronan sat down next to him, still fuming, but at least his voice was calmer. “I don’t like seeing you hurt, Adam. I don’t like it. I don’t like knowing that you have to do that to yourself.”

For the second time that week, Adam was reminded of one sure thing.

_ No one would ever understand. _

“Do you think  _ I _ like it!? You know what?” Adam stood up again, preparing himself for battle. “Sometimes I prefer the awful clients. The ones who treat me like dirt, who do stuff like this to me.” Adam gestured to his bruised throat.

“Because at least they aren’t delusional as shit, like you. They know that I’m just a worthless prostitute, and that they’re just a disgusting trick. There’s nothing else there.”

All of his emotions that had been building up throughout the day, throughout his time with Ronan, throughout his life, came rushing out of him.

“You’re not paying to be my boyfriend, Ronan, you’re paying to fuck me!” He exclaimed. Adam was ready to continue his rant, not ready to back down. “Clients like you act like you’re so fucking holy just because you don’t physical hurt me, but guess what, you’re not so fucking vanilla yourself and-”

“What would that cost then?” Ronan asked, stopping him. 

“Huh?” Ronan’s confusing words snapped him out of his fit of rage, just as he was about to go on a spiel about the entitlement of rich men and how they convince themselves they’re not doing anything wrong.

“You said I’m not paying to be your boyfriend. What would it cost for you to only see me?” He continued. “If you were, say more of a sugar baby than an escort. What would it cost?”

Adam was taken aback. What was Ronan proposing? “What do you mean?” He asked, looking at Ronan with wary eyes.

“You already see me most nights, right? There wouldn’t be much difference. And I bet the agency takes a cut? What I pay them doesn’t go straight to you? That way you would get all of the money instead. How much do they give you now when I pay $2000?”

Ronan was clearly serious about this offer, Adam could hear it in his unwavering tone. Perhaps he had already given it some thought prior to that moment. It made Adam actually consider it. He had already begun hating every single other client with a fiery passion that wasn’t as strong before.

Wait. $2000!?

“You pay $2000 per night? I get $800!” Adam blurted. 

“Damn, they take over 50 percent?” Ronan grinned.

“They’re supposed to take 30! You’re supposed to pay around $1100 per meeting!” Adam’s previous anger was replaced by anger directed at the agency. They were swindeling him and going against their deal.

“What if I pay you $20 000 per month? Goes straight to you, no middleman.” Ronan suggested. The amount made Adam feel sick to his stomach. 

He’d be able to pay off his tuition with ease. He’d be able to live comfortably. He’d be able to save so much for the future. Hell, he’d be making six figures.

He’d never, ever have to sell his body again.

Except, to Ronan, of course.

“You’re fucking crazy, Ronan. That’s an insane amount of money.”

It was so tempting. But Ronan would own him, completely and fully. He’d never be his own person as long as Ronan was his benefactor. Realistically, he wasn’t his own person now either. He was owned by the agency, by his school, by his landlord, by his society. But it was still a scary thought.

“You’re a smart boy, you must have googled me at some point. You know it’s not too much for me. I could ask my assistant to draft up a contract, and you can read through it, lawyer-boy.” Ronan was still grinning. This barely seemed like a big deal to him.

“I’m not in law school yet, but I’m pretty sure you can’t get a legally binding contract for something illegal.” Adam sighed, sitting down beside Ronan yet again. “But if we do it there’s going to be some rules.” 

Following that, some tough negotiations went down.

“If you want to fuck me you have to tell me at least one day ahead so I can prepare.”

“Alright. But then I have to get your phone number.”

“Fine. You’ll have to pay me before my rent is due, with a direct deposit.”

“Yeah, sure. But then I’m also allowed to get you gifts whenever I want.”

Adam furrowed his brows, glaring at him. “Why would you want to do that? You’re already paying me.”

Ronan pushed him down on the bed, grabbing his wrists so Adam wouldn’t get away. “Because I’m so fucking generous, of course. And I think it’s kind of a part of being a sugar daddy, you know?” Ronan said, hovering above him.

“Another rule. You never get to make me call you “daddy.” Adam mumbled, as Ronan placed kisses along his collarbones. It sent tingling shivers down his spine. “And fine. Give me gifts. I probably won’t use them.”

“You’re so difficult, Adam.” Ronan teased, moving lower and lower, pressing his lips to Adam’s skin along the way. “Sounds good so far, I accept. Do you?” He asked, unzipping Adam’s trousers.

  
  
  
  


“I accept.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello!
> 
> thank you for your comments on the last chapter, i'm sorry the wait for this one was longer! hopefully you think it was worth the wait <3


	6. Chapter 6

Ronan hadn’t been kidding about giving him gifts. They’d only been exclusive for a month or so, when it began.

The first package that showed up, was a velvet jewelry box. It was small enough to fit in his mailbox, meaning it surprised Adam whilst he was collecting his bills. He wasn’t familiar with the brand engraved on the box, and it was probably for the best. It meant he could pretend that the contents of the package wasn’t worth more than all of his other belongings.

Hiding inside, was a golden necklace. It was a dainty and simplistic chain, without any charms or other ornaments. It wasn’t tacky, or anything like that. It was beautiful.

But Adam would never wear it. The only jewelry he wore was the kind you picked up last minute by the register at H&M or Zara, or some other high street store. Not the handmade kind that seemed to glisten in the light cast by the lamps hanging on the brickwall of his hallway. He stood outside his mailbox, contemplating what he was going to do with the chain.

Throwing it out would be rude, and above all, a waste. Selling it off would just be greedy. He thought about passing it on to Blue, but she wore silver, and her jewelry was always adorned with colourful stones and gems. 

Maybe he just had to step up. Be a damn “sugar baby.” With a sigh, he put on the necklace, hid it under his t-shirt, and retreated back into his apartment.

The second package was waiting for him by his doorstep a couple of days later. This one was bigger, and wrapped in mint-coloured wrapping paper. On top, tied down with a ribbon, was a small card. It was a miracle that the junkie who lived on the floor above him hadn’t stolen it whilst Adam was in class. 

He tore off the delicate paper. This gift contained a blouse, not very different from what he used to wear when meeting Ronan. Silky and creamy, it reminded him of his favourite top before it was ruined by a misplaced comeshot. The attached note only said  _ “- Ronan” _ , as if the sender wasn’t obvious. 

Seeing as he had already swallowed his pride regarding the presents, the shirt joined the other pieces of clothing hidden underneath his bed.

The third package had to be delivered by a courier, meaning that Adam was jolted out of his peaceful sleep by the knock on the door. Fridays were the only days Adam didn’t have morning classes, and he always cherished the extra time to rest. After following the delivery man to the truck outside, and writing down his signature, he was now the owner of a large, rectangular cardboard box. He heaved the large box upstairs and was forced to use a knife to get the packaging open.

Inside, was a painting.

It was nearly identical to the one that hung above Ronan’s bed, and the one they had seen at Ronan’s exhibition. The one that depicted the forest, that painfully reminded Adam of the trailer park. It wasn’t quite as huge as the one Ronan had in his bedroom, but it was still an impressive size, and way too big for Adam’s apartment.

Also in the package, was another note. This one longer than the last.

_ “you’ve always seemed to like the forest. made you one of your own.  _

  * _Ronan.”_



Maybe he should let Ronan know that the reason he always got distracted by the painting was because he had a love-hate relationship with the motif. Sometimes he wanted to tell Ronan all about the forest, the trailer park, the ringing in his ear, the fear of his past. But he had made a promise to himself to forget about it. Leave it all in the past, repress it just like everything else. Just like his accent, just like his heritage, just like his memories. 

Ronan was messing it all up. Sometimes his accent shined through, words laced with a Virginian drawl. Everytime, it stung. He spoke freely about growing up with Gansey at Aglionby Academy, talked about the mountains and the fields where he was raised, and all Adam could do was smile and nod. 

It was still a nice painting, all of Ronan’s pieces were gorgeous. But he doubted it would fit on his wall. Plus he would have to attach the canvas to something, and Adam refused to mess with the walls and miss out on getting his deposit back. For now, he leaned the painting towards the wall by his entrance.

The trio of presents all had a recurring theme. They seemed to be what Ronan thought Adam would like. Ronan had observed Adam, what he wore, how he reacted to his art, his preferences. He had picked up that Adam wore gold. That Adam liked silky clothes, in materials that were soft to the touch. That he always looked at the painting by his bed.

Adam wasn’t sure how he felt about it.  _ Unknowable _ , echoed in his head. Maybe he was knowable after all. Perhaps he was his own person, for others to regard, to experience, to know. Did he prefer one or the other? He wasn’t sure about that either.

**Adam**

8:31 AM

Can we settle on you only sending gifts appropriate for a studio apartment, size wise?

**Read**

For someone eager to get Adam’s number, Ronan sure loved leaving him on read. 

**Adam**

8:34 AM

Thank you. By the way.

**Read**

  
  
  


_ _ _

“You should really come home, Ronan.”

This was why Ronan never picked up the phone when Declan called. It just meant that he was going to be set into a fit of rage.

“What’s the point of me coming home when you’ve fucking banished me?” He snapped, pacing around his workspace. 

“You’re really still angry about all of that?” Declan sighed, before he continued speaking with someone else on his side of the line. “No, I’m heading over to a meeting with the senator in just a bit. Just finishing up this call.” 

“Am I still angry with you threatening to either dismantle our father’s life work, or forbid me from going home and visiting what is left of our family? Yes! I am!”

Ronan wanted to break something, crash his car, throw his phone out of his window.

“Okay. Look, I wanted to tell you this in person.. but mom is not well. Alright? They called from the nursing home, and it sounded urgent. They suggested we come as soon as possible. Most likely to say our goodbyes.” Declan said.

“Matthew and I are heading out on Saturday. Now, you either come or you don’t, but at least think about Matthew.”

Ronan did what he always did, and hung up.

It was fucking ridicolus. Think about Matthew? Ronan was the only person who thought about what was best for Matthew. 

Their mother hadn’t been well ever since their father died. But Ronan hadn’t known that it had gotten so serious, so quickly. If he was going to head home, it meant he would have to cancel his date with Adam for Saturday night. He’d have to make Amelie clear out his schedule for the foreseeable future, just in case. Just in case he lost another parent.

He would’ve forced Gansey to come with him, but he was going to meet his new little girlfriend’s family that weekend. His new girlfriend, who also happened to be Adam’s ex-girlfriend.

Maybe..

He opened his text conversation with Adam. He was always so unsure of what to reply, that he opted for not replying at all.

  
  
  


**Adam**

Tuesday 8:34 AM

Thank you. By the way.

**Read**

Ronan began composing his message. 

_ Are you free this weekend? _

No. Ronan already knew of Adam’s plans. He was going to celebrate one of his classmates' 21st birthday that Friday. Then he was supposed to meet with Ronan for dinner on Saturday.

_ I have to head home to Virginia this weekend. Do you want to come with me? _

No. It all felt so stupid. He thought that their relationship would become less complicated with this new deal, but it was really just making everything even more complex. Ronan wasn’t sure if asking Adam would be appropriate. Perhaps Adam would see it as a demand, and feel forced to join him. 

He was careful with what he asked of Adam. He wasn’t so certain that Adam felt comfortable ever saying “no”. 

It would just be nice to have a friend there. Maybe it was selfish, but if it was as bad as Declan had said, Ronan wasn’t sure if he could handle it alone. Plus, he wanted to show Adam his home. Share the magic of the Barns with him, providing that Declan would let him go there again. He wanted to share anything with Adam.

Ronan had to just admit it. He was falling in love with Adam, hell, he’d been in love with him since the beginning. 

Deep down, he wished things had been different. He wished he would’ve met Adam in a more organic way. With the way things were, he was so sure that nothing would ever come of their relationship. Because of the transactional nature of their love. Did Adam even like him at all? Did he see him as a friend? Maybe he merely saw Ronan as his employer. 

Which he was. That was the worst part, he would always be the consumer and Adam would always be the provider. Adam’s previous rant had been correct, Ronan was delusional. He was pretending that they were in love, and it wasn’t right.

But Ronan had never been a saint. So he still kept on depositing money into Adam’s account, he kept on fucking him quickly in the evenings and slowly in the mornings, he kept on kissing his forehead, he kept on taking Adam out to expensive restaurants. 

Because he was selfish like that.

_ _ _ 

“Do you want to do shots?” The girl sitting next to him exclaimed, with a big grin.

The club wasn’t really Adam’s type of scene, and the loud music made it almost impossible to hear with his deaf ear. It was Daniel, one of Adam’s friends from his economics class, that had chosen their destination for the night. It was also his birthday, so it was only fair. 

He wasn’t really sure if he actually was friends with Daniel. They sat next to each other in the lecture hall, and sometimes they met up in the cafeteria. He had his contact info saved in his phone. He knew that Daniel was from upstate, that his dad ran a holding company, and that he was really into cryptocurrency. Maybe that made them friends.

Daniel probably knew nothing about Adam.

The group of students he was out with was the polar opposite from Blue’s friend group, and they were the only other group of people he had ever partied with. 

Blue’s tight-knit group of friends were diverse, passionate, caring and including. But whenever Adam hung out with them, he always felt like an outsider looking in. Like a distant acquaintance, hanging out with a close family. An intruder. 

When they first met at Adam’s old dorm, Blue had told him that she had been alone for most of her life. Just like Adam had. Really, he was happy for Blue that she had been able to find her place in the world. He was also really envious that he didn’t fit in there with her.

He also felt like he really didn’t fit in with Daniel’s friends. They were all cookie cutter, with bright beautiful smiles. With rich, white parents and summer houses in the Hamptons. If he told them about his own upbringing and background, they would probably be equally shocked and horrified. 

He also had a feeling that him not drinking wasn’t as acceptable in this setting, as it had been with Blue’s friends.

“Oh, I don’t know. I’m not really a drinker.” He replied, catching himself trying to match her bright smile. 

“Come on! If you’re in Professor Clarke’s class, you have to be a drinker just to cope!” One of the cookie cutter girls informed him, and in a flash she headed over to the bar, returning a few minutes later with a tray filled with shots of liquor. 

“Here. We’ll take it together, you and me!” She handed him one of the shot glasses, and took one for herself. Before Adam had a chance to protest, she began counting down. “Three, two, one!”

Fuck it. It was what college students did after all, they went to class on the weekdays and got wasted on the weekends. The shot burned on the way down his throat. In a way he kind of liked it. He liked the pain, and as soon as he had downed a couple of more shots, he liked the way his muscles relaxed. He liked the way his mind went all foggy, and that for just a moment, he didn’t have to think of his place in the world. The drinks kept on flowing. At least the members of the group were generous. 

“Do you have a girlfriend then, Adam?” The girl asked an hour or so later, when all of the alcohol was beginning to hit him. He wasn’t sure what her name was, maybe Emma, but it could also be Emily. 

“I have a boyfriend, actually.” Adam said, before taking another shot of tequila and biting into his lemon slice. Shit, what was he even saying? He didn’t have a boyfriend, he had a sugar daddy, and he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about it. Certainly not one of his classmates.

“Oh, really?” Emily, or Emma, said with an intrigued smile. “What’s his name? Does he go to Columbia as well?”

“Well.. I- It’s actually pretty complicated. I’d appreciate it if it stayed between us.” He said, looking at her with pleading eyes.

“Your secret is safe with me, Adam Parrish. Do you want to dance now?” Her eyes twinkled under the lights of the extravagant club.

Fuck yeah, he wanted to dance.

After that, however, he didn’t remember much.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ _ _

Ronan was in the middle of a new piece, when the screen of his phone lit up.

**Adam**

3:07 AM

I need to know Ar we evn friends ? ? 

**Read**

Out of all the notifications he could’ve gotten, a text from Adam was probably the last thing he was expecting. He was working late, as always. The text was peculiar. Adam always wrote with proper spelling and punctuation, his texts just as calculated as everything else he did. Ronan, yet again, didn’t know how to respond.

**Ronan**

3:08 AM 

Huh?

**Read**

**Adam**

3:10 AM

Oh so know yuo reply ?? !!!

**Read**

What the hell was he saying? Ronan’s heart sped up.

**Ronan**

3:11 AM

Are you drunk? Are you okay?

**Delivered**

Adam didn’t reply right away, and it gave Ronan ample time to freak out even more. Why was Adam even texting him at that time of night? He knew that he had gone out with his friends, but the question still stood. Why was he texting Ronan? Was he safe?

**Adam**

3:18 AM

Yea a little drnk! am okay? HMM!

**Read**

Jesus christ. Ronan got up from the floor, and wiped off some of the paint on his jeans. Swiftly, he opened up Adam’s contact and dialed his number.

“Oh, h-hi!” Adam said, as soon as he picked up.

“What the fuck are you doing, Adam?” Ronan asked, pacing around his floor with restless and worried steps.

“Me? I’m taking a walk. What, uhm, what are you up to then?” 

He didn’t sound like himself, and he was stumbling over some of his words. If Ronan didn’t know better, he would almost think that there was the hint of a Virginian accent not unlike his own to Adam’s speech.

“Where are you? Are you by yourself?” Ronan could swear he heard cars moving by, hinting that Adam was outside.

  
“Yeah, I got kind of lost. I think I’m in SoHo? I was in SoHo. Earlier. But now I’m on a walk, it’s pretty fuckin’ cold and wet. I took so many shots, Ronan!”

“Alright, that’s not far then. I’m coming to get you. Could you send me your location from your phone?” Ronan was already putting his jacket on, and grabbing the keys to the underground garage. 

“Uhm, what? You’re coming to get me? Alright.. Could send you a pin.” Adam said, words slurring in a way that Ronan hated.

He was reminded of every time he had been in a state similar to Adam’s current one, and every time he had called Gansey so he could come save him. Those days were behind him, but it was still hurtful to even think about how damaged he had been. Was Adam feeling something similar to what he had felt? Something equally self-destructive? 

“Okay. You do that, and I’ll be right there. Stay where you are.” Ronan hung up, with dread filling his system. He was dreading that he was part of the reason why Adam might feel bad, part of the reason why he would resort to binge drinking. 

When Ronan had finally settled into the BMW, he received another text from Adam. His coveted location. Luckly, it was just around ten minutes away if he took the route through 7th Avenue.

He tried to drive as fast as he could, but despite the late hour he kept getting stuck in traffic. In what felt like forever, he rolled up to the address Adam had sent, and spotted him taking cover from the rain by a storefront, sitting curled up on the pavement. Ronan quickly pulled over, and rushed out of the car. 

“Adam! Are you alright?” Ronan instantly tried to get him to stand upright. 

“Oh. S’fine. You came quickly. Maybe I fell asleep, though. I’m not making much sense, am I?” Adam said with a laugh, as Ronan helped him into the passenger seat of his car, buckling him up and closing the door. 

“What the hell happened, Adam? You’re shitfaced.” Ronan said, finally releasing the breath he had been holding within himself ever since Adam had texted him, as he sunk down into the driver seat.

“Yeah.. I’ve never been this drunk before, y’know. Fuck, I’ve never even been tipsy! But now your entire car is spinning. Didn’t even know you had a car.” Adam said, tapping at the tinted windows of the BMW.

“I do.. But it’s not like I get much use of it here in the city.” Ronan said, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly as he pulled back out into traffic.

“Oh yeah. Now I remember. The DUIs.” Adam mumbled. His words became even more drawn out, and he looked to be half asleep as Ronan looked over at him.

“The DUIs? Shit, how do you even  _ know  _ about that? That was ages ago..” Ronan said, as he sped up. “Nevermind that. What happened to your friends, why wouldn’t they look out for you?” 

“Searching for your name on the internet leads to an extensive number of results, you should probably know that. Also, they weren’t my friends.” Adam said, with a deep sigh, as he leaned his head towards the window. “Blue’s my only friend in this world.”

Suppose Adam answered the question in his first text all by himself, right there and then.

“Alright.. What happened to the people you went out with, then?” Ronan asked, heading towards his building.

“I don’t know, they were all really hollow. Like these empty shells, just parading around, talking about nothing important. Drinking a lot.” Adam rambled, as he slumped over in his seat.

“Not sure I follow. But did they leave you in this state?” Ronan looked over at him yet again, with a deep-set frown. He didn’t like seeing Adam like that. Adam was always the one who kept his composure. Even when they would have sex, and Ronan tried his very hardest to break down his walls, he would never break completely. He always had some defenses up.

Looking at Adam, Ronan felt like he was seeing something he wasn’t supposed to.

“I don’t really remember anything. I don’t really remember anything in my life, actually, might have some brain damage after all. Or it’s the trauma, and not just the blunt force kind. But I remember getting fresh air, and then realizing I didn’t want to go back in at all. So I took a walk, and hey, found you! Wasn’t all bad,  _ daddy. _ ” Adam laughed at his own joke, before settling back down again.

In any other situation, Ronan would have laughed with him, but he was too tense, as well as busy trying to decipher Adam’s words. “Brain damage? What are you talking about, Adam?” 

“Nevermind. I think I’m going to sleep now.”

They were both silent for the rest of the drive, and when Ronan pulled back down into the garage, Adam was fast asleep in the seat next to him. Carefully, as to not wake him, although he was pretty sure that would be near impossible seeing how drunk Adam was, Ronan carried him to the elevator, and all the way up to his bed. When removing his big jacket, Ronan noticed a stain running down the front of Adam’s shirt. Probably vomit.

Ronan suddenly had newfound respect for Gansey, for taking care of Ronan so many times. Though, in his case, it had been blood staining his clothes, more often so than vomit. Ronan unbuttoned Adam’s shirt, replacing it with a large t-shirt from his own closet. He attempted to lay Adam as comfortably as possible, before tucking him in underneath the covers.

“You’re going to hate this in the morning..” Ronan mumbled, stroking some of Adam’s hair out of his face, before laying down on the other side of the bed.

He barely got a wink of sleep, too wrapped up in his own mind.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!
> 
> thank you yet again for your super nice comments, really makes my day to read and it makes me so happy that you're enjoying the story. i hope you like this one too! quite a heavy one. and the next one will probably be heavy too but i promise it will all work out!


	7. Chapter 7

His head was killing him.

A constant pounding that never stopped. As soon as he opened his eyes, Adam felt the bed underneath him shift, and it was like his field of vision looped. The morning sun stung. He shut his eyes again, deciding that he didn’t feel like dealing with that just yet.

The sheets he was resting on felt wrong. Too soft, a thread count way too high to be his own bed. 

He recognized the softness, however. He was in Ronan’s bed.

Quickly, way too quickly, Adam sat straight up. Again, his center of gravity shifted. Just as the physical toll on his body began setting in, so did the mental one. Scenes from the previous night, although they were fragmented, began repeating in his head. 

He remembered the club, the feeling of loneliness and the need to dampen that sensation. The tequila burning in his mouth, the warmth spreading across his cheeks and the cold sensation of his knees on the bathroom floor, as he held back the hair of one of the girls.

He remembered the loneliness slowly creeping right back, and no matter how many shots he took it wouldn’t go away again. Soft rain streaming over him, as he wandered aimlessly around the streets of the city. The headlights of Ronan’s car beaming over him, and the feeling of relief when he had been picked up.

At that moment, he decided to never drink alcohol ever again.

Ronan entered the room from the ensuite, interrupting Adam’s session of wallowing in self-pity.

“Awake already?” He asked, dressed only in a towel wrapped around his waist.

“I wish I wasn’t.” Adam groaned, rubbing his eyes. “Why would you take me here instead of just taking me home?” Adam looked down at the t-shirt he was wearing, a piece of clothing he didn’t recognize. “Why did you change my clothes?” His tone was accusatory. 

What gave Ronan the right to do that? Adam hated the thought that Ronan had been forced to take care of him, and that he barely remembered it. There were still bits and pieces coming back to him, but his interactions with Ronan were still foggy. 

Ronan frowned, clearly not happy with the apparent attack. “I took you here because you weren’t in any condition to be alone, Adam. You could barely stand up by yourself.” He said, shaking his head at him.

“I was  _ worried  _ about you. Your shirt was covered in throw up, so yeah, I changed it for you. I’m not sorry about it.” 

Perhaps Ronan was being earnest. But how could Adam know? Then again, he supposed Ronan had no reason to lie. It still didn’t sit right with him.

“Sorry. I just feel like shit.” Adam said with a deep, deep sigh, pulling Ronan’s thick duvet tighter around him. 

“I can imagine. You kind of look like shit too, I’m not gonna lie.” Ronan sat down next to him, drops of water still running down his pale back. 

“Piss off..” Adam muttered, but he couldn’t help but smile at him. There was a deep, early-morning fog surrounding the city outside, and he liked the way Ronan fit so well within the moody atmosphere. On the bedside table, Ronan had lit a candle at some point during the morning. 

Ronan laughed, laying down. “You’re a pretty dramatic drunk, actually. You kept rambling in the car, plus your drunk texts had me worried as fuck.” 

“I really, really don’t want to be any type of drunk. What did I even say?” Adam said, exasperated. He detested the feeling of not being in control.

“Don’t worry about it. Happens to the best of us. I couldn’t tell you how many nights I’ve been checked out of my own fucking mind. But I’m still here.” 

“It’s not supposed to happen to me. I don’t drink. I’ve never had more than a glass or two before.”

He’d been so easily affected by his own emotions, that he had felt compelled to dampen them. Adam had just bought himself some time. Instead of dealing with his sadness the day before, he was forced to deal with it at that moment.

“Do you always feel this bad the day after? I feel like my body is shutting down.” Adam laid back down, cuddling up next to Ronan. “My heart’s racing.”

“Depends. I used to have more manageable hangovers when I drank on a full stomach, and when I didn’t mix different types of drinks.” Ronan wrapped his arm around Adam, happily obliging in his invitation for physical contact. “What did you have last night? Do you remember?”

“We drank tequila..” Adam said. “I’m pretty sure.”

Ronan grinned at him. “Well, shit, that explains a lot. Tequila shuts your brain right off.”

“I feel like you’re enjoying this way too much.” Adam said with a sigh.

Gently, Ronan ran his fingers through Adam’s hair, stroking it away from his face. He was forced to look up at him, and meet his eyes. 

“I’m just trying to make you feel better, Adam. I’m trying to make you understand that this is perfectly normal college student behaviour, and nothing to be ashamed of.”

“It’s not that I feel ashamed of myself.” Perhaps he felt a little bit ashamed of himself. Thinking about how he could have acted the night before, made him feel disgusted. “I hate not remembering. I hate not knowing what I said, or what I did.”

He looked away from Ronan’s gaze, shutting his eyes again. With great effort, he tried to focus on the headlights blinding him. He tried to remember the feeling of his head pressed against the cold window.

“What did I say to you in the car? Can you just tell me?”

_ I don’t really remember anything in my life. _

“Well, uhm, it’s not like you made a lot of sense. You spoke about the people you partied with. You kind of hated them.” Ronan began. “You also mentioned my criminal history. I should make sure that shit gets off of Google.”

“Sorry..” Adam mumbled.

“Don’t be. It was pretty funny. But then you.. you said you have trouble remembering things. I think. Because of brain damage?”

Oh. With the help of Ronan’s account, he was able to piece together some of his memories of the ride home. 

“Ah. That was just a joke..” Adam said, attempting to play it off. 

“I see. Then you called me daddy, and after that you fell asleep. Not so bad, yeah?” 

He doubted that Ronan was dumb enough to believe that there hadn’t been more to Adam’s words. But he was grateful that he seemed content with his explanation. 

“Not so bad..” 

Their conversation stilled, and Adam was able to focus completely at keeping the nausea at bay. It was a mystery to him why people purposefully got drunk and therefore subjected themselves to getting hungover.

When he thought about it though, perhaps it made sense. The temporary numbness kind of explained why the backlash was considered worth it. God, his thoughts made him sound like an alcoholic. He’d definitely stay away from drinking, moving forward.

His eyelids became heavier and heavier, but just as he was about to slip into a light sleep, Ronan spoke up.

“I meant to ask you something.. A favour.”

“Hm?” Adam muttered, following a yawn. 

“I have to go home this weekend. To Virginia. It’s a family thing..” Ronan almost seemed nervous, and it took him a minute before he continued. “I was wondering if you could come with me. We’d head back on Monday.” 

The mention of Virginia made his heart race even faster. His class on Monday had been cancelled, but he really didn’t want to set foot back in his home state. He’d made a promise to himself, that he would escape and never, ever look back. And he really didn’t want to go back as a glorified sex toy.

“What, do you think you’ll get horny on your family vacation?” Adam quipped, with a deep sigh.

Ronan shook his head, sitting up straighter. “I don’t..” Through heavy lids, Adam glanced up at him. He was looking at the painting above the bed. The forest. “I didn’t mean it like that. My mother is sick, and it might be my last chance to say goodbye.” 

Adam shouldn’t have been so insensitive. He blamed the hangover for putting him on edge.

“I didn’t know-”

“It’s alright. I probably shouldn’t have asked. I just.. I don’t want to go alone. I’m asking you as a friend, I guess. Not as a part of the whole arrangement and shit.”

If only he could tell Ronan why he couldn’t come with him. If only he could tell him what he had meant in the car. If only he could tell him about the forest. 

Maybe he could, after all.

Adam sat up as well, ignoring the way his stomach turned. He joined Ronan in looking at the painting.

“Can I trust you?” Adam asked. 

“Have I ever done something that made you not trust me?” Ronan countered.

“That’s not an answer to the question.” 

Ronan reached out, and grabbed Adam’s shaky hand. “You can trust me.” 

Adam took a deep breath, trying to map out the way the conversation could pan out. Potential scenarios, and potential reactions from Ronan.

“If I come with.. Are we going straight to your hometown? Henrietta? Or do you plan on making stops along the way?” He asked. It seemed easier to start there, as opposed to jumping headfirst into explaining his childhood trauma.

“We’d fly to Richmond, then drive up to Henrietta. Besides that, no stops.”

Adam had never been on a plane before. When he had moved to New York, he’d just packed up his small collection of belongings and hopped on a bus. 

“Alright.. I don’t think I can come. And I can’t tell you why. Sorry.”

He watched as Ronan deflated, before letting go of Adam’s hand. “That’s okay.” He could tell that neither of them were okay. “But I have to leave.. I’ll drop you off on the way. We’ll have dinner some other time, instead.”

In the chaos of the previous twenty four hours, Adam had forgotten all about their dinner plans. Ronan stood up, heading over to his closet. The towel he had wrapped around his waist dropped to the floor, soon replaced with Ronan’s typical dark clothes. 

In his attempt to keep his heritage at bay, to prevent it from affecting him he was letting it control him more than ever. Why should his stupid father prevent him from being there for Ronan? It seemed only fair that Adam had to step up, seeing as Ronan had stepped up for him the night before.

“I’m scared.” Adam spoke up, causing Ronan to turn back around.

He took another breath, and continued. No turning back. He refused to be defined by trauma, but that seemed to be a delusional thought as long as he also refused to process it.

“I’m scared. I’ve never been on an airplane. I know that rationally and statistically, planes are safer than cars, but it still scares me.”

It really wasn’t about planes, though.

“I’m from Virginia as well. I should’ve told you earlier, but I never wanted anyone to know. I grew up in Halford.”

“Halford? That’s really close to-”

“Yeah, I know, it’s really close. And I promised myself I would never return as soon as I passed the state border on the way out. But since we’re going to Henrietta and not Halford, I guess it doesn’t count. So I’ll come with you.”

The words rushed out of him, as if he was in a hurry. He’d barely told Ronan anything of value, but he still felt like he had ripped his skin open and told Ronan,  _ look inside, do you want to analyze it? what do you think, am I a human or just broken? _

“Oh. Are you sure you want to come?” Ronan had finished getting dressed, and was leaning back towards the doors of his wardrobe, looking at Adam with a confused expression. 

Perhaps Adam’s statement hadn’t come off as very convincing. 

“Yeah. We had to leave now, right?” He got up, and straightened out the clothes he had slept in. 

_ _ _

Adam was mostly quiet during their time in the air. He could be hard to read at times, but Ronan suspected he was a bit nervous, considering it was his first time. With the risk of skewing Adam’s perception of flying, he’d made sure that Amelie got them first class tickets when she rearranged their journey. 

Always the best, for Adam.

Money had surrounded Ronan for most of his life. He’d still been raised with both his feet on the ground, no doubt about it, but that didn’t mean that his upbringing hadn’t been shrouded in privilege. The Lynch family home wasn’t a mansion, it wasn’t a display of wealth but a display of abundant love.

At least for a while. After his painting took off and he amassed a bigger fortune than he knew how to handle, he’d gone ahead and indulged for a while. He’d purchased his apartment, at first it was for all three of the Lynch brothers, but now it was a solitary place. 

He’d expanded his collection of cars, and crashed all of them except for the BMW. He’d bought expensive pieces of art, covered his body in it from time to time. He’d dined at expensive restaurants, made a mess and been banned here and there. When he was 23, he had spent a large portion of his earnings on substance and alcohol. 

Ronan was older now, and his reckless view on economics didn’t piss Declan off the way it used to, so he’d settled on more traditional habits.

Until he saw the way Adam’s neck was stained green by his fake gold chain, and the way he seemed to be a bit too skinny, as if he wasn’t eating well. He saw how his phone had a deep crack running from one corner to the other across the screen, and it never got fixed. 

(Ronan had trashed his phone countless times, so he could relate, but he always made Amelie fix it soon enough.)

Spending money on Adam was even more satisfying than seeing Declan go insane over his bank statements. It had to be done delicately, however. Never could he let Adam know that Ronan was doing it all for him, then silly protests would arise.

He’d done his best to convince Adam that fine dining at rooftop restaurants and nights at amazing hotels were part of his routine, that it was just another thing that came with being Ronan’s companion. Perhaps a line in his job description.

The way Adam’s new necklace glistened in the rather harsh lighting of the baggage claim pleased Ronan to no end. Watching Adam sleep deeply in the comfortable first class seat had been a treat. He couldn’t wait to see Adam look out upon the sprawling landscape of the Barns. 

Except, perhaps, that last part would be more complicated. 

Adam appeared to have a complex relationship with Virginia. 

“You doing okay?” Ronan asked, as they sat down in the waiting room of the car rental.

“Why wouldn’t I be doing okay?” Adam replied, glaring over at Ronan. 

It could be endearing and mostly funny, but Adam’s hostility was beginning to chip at Ronan’s self esteem.

“You know.. the hangover.” Ronan explained.

Adam’s annoyed expression softened. “Oh. Yeah, I’m fine. I think I slept it off on the plane.”

“That’s good.”

Perhaps he thought Ronan had been about to ask him about his whole revelation. The whole “We’re-from-the-same-area-but-I-didn’t-tell-you-also-I-promised-to-never-go-back-there-and-I’m-scared” deal. And Ronan really, really, wanted to ask about it. The question was just waiting to be asked, the words ready to jump out of him. 

He decided to go about it in a different way. 

“It’s my first time coming back too.” He began.

“What do you mean?” Adam sighed, rubbing his tired eyes.

“You said you promised yourself to never come back here. I haven’t been back here either since I left. Not because I didn’t want to, it was more because I didn’t dare to. I also wasn’t supposed to.”

Adam looked at him and appeared to listen, and it was a sufficient cue for Ronan to continue.

“Before I ran the gallery, and the dealership, it was all my father’s work. Then, when I was around your age he was killed. In the process it broke me, and the rest of my family. I..”

Ronan wasn’t proud of his past. But if he wanted Adam to cut the bullshit and be honest, he should have the balls to do the same. 

“I spiralled. I wasn’t in the right headspace. My father left my older brother in charge of all of his shit in his will.”

Adam perked up, with a small smile. “The shithead?”

“Exactly.” Ronan grinned, before continuing. “He thought I was a bad influence on our younger brother. And he thought I was stressing out our mother, pushing her to the brink.”

Maybe he had been. But Ronan refused to admit it to himself.

“He also knew that art, and the gallery and our business was the only thing that mattered to me. It was all I ever did, it was all I ever had done throughout my life. It was like, dad and I’s special secret, a world we shared together” 

He’d never forgive Declan.

“My brother made me choose. Either he stripped away all of my influence and destroyed my role at the company, or I had to leave home and never come back. So I “wouldn’t ruin the family we had left.”

Adam frowned, deeply. “That’s awful..”

“Declan knew what I would choose. And here we are..” 

The lady behind the counter spoke up. “Mr Lynch? Your car is ready now.”

After a heated discussion with the staff at the car rental, because Amelie had accidentally booked a car with an automatic transmission instead of a manual one, they were on their way.

“I can’t believe you were so rude to her. She was just doing her job.” Adam said, shaking his head at him from the passenger seat.

Ronan pulled up onto the highway. “Oh, come on! The customer is always right, no?”

“Fuck no, the customer is always  _ wrong. _ You were quite literally in the wrong back there, since you booked the wrong type of car.”

“See here what my bitching got me?” Ronan grinned, gesturing to the stick shift in between them. “Totally worth it.”

“You’re an asshole..”

When Ronan looked over, however, he could see a smile spreading across Adam’s lips. Ronan wished he could see into Adam’s mind, to make sure he wasn’t still beating himself up over his drunken night. He wished he could just extract the anxiety from Adam, so he wouldn’t have to carry it. 

During the drive up, they bickered about Ronan’s taste in music, the fact that he drove way too fast and that he hogged the fast lane. Even when they stopped to get food from a drive-through, Adam refused to let it go.

“There’s no such thing as the “fast lane!” It’s the passing lane! Did you bribe your way through getting your license?”

Ronan was falling deeper and deeper in love.

_ _ _

“The Barns”, as Ronan called it, was a sanctuary. It made sense that Ronan was religious, seeing as he had been raised in such a holy place. As far as his eyes could see, there was untouched nature, spare the occasional lone barn or enclosed pasture. It was completely secluded, in a way that was both terrifying and comforting.

After a quick tour of the main house, Ronan had grabbed a blanket and led Adam out through the back door.

“I want to show you something..”

By then, the darkness had set in, allowing the stars to shine through in the night sky. Ronan rolled out the blanket on the damp grass, sitting down in the middle. “Come on.”

Adam was a bit skeptical. They’d be freezing. But he wasn’t going to protest, so he settled down next to Ronan on the blanket.

“In the city, you can barely see a fucking star at night. Gansey explained it to me at some point, has to do with lights or some shit. But here? You can see every single one.” Ronan said with a pleased grin, looking up at the sea of stars above them. 

“Yeah.. It’s because of light pollution.” Adam mumbled, before he joined Ronan in taking in the constellations. The atmosphere was different in the mountains. The air went down his lungs so smoothly, compared to the dense air of the city. He felt as if every breath rejuvenated him. 

The Barns were different enough from the trailer park, meaning the moment wasn’t spoiled by bad memories. 

But his past was still there, his memories skirting along the edges of his consciousness. Perhaps this experience would be healing for him. He could get some sort of closure, and even feel empowered by his ability to move past his bad upbringing. 

Everything was really catching up to him. The way he kept internalizing all these awful experiences allowed them to fester and evolve. He’d been able to keep it all down, push it to the back of his mind, and ignore it. It was becoming too difficult, too fast.

He had such a hard time accepting that he was still fighting for survival. Leaving his home hadn’t been the storybook ending he’d been hoping for. Years later, he was still so lost.

“What are you thinking about?” Ronan asked, placing his cold hand on Adam’s knee.

Tearing his eyes from the sky, Adam glanced over at Ronan.

“At what age did you figure out where you belong in the world? Your purpose?” He asked.

“What the fuck makes you think I have?” 

“Well.. I don’t know, you have an amazing, creative job and immense success?” Adam suggested.

“I do. But that doesn’t mean I know where I belong, or my purpose. I don’t even know if I feel like I need to know all of that. Why do you ask, anyways?”

That was a foreign concept to Adam.

“I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere.” He said. “No matter where I go, there’s something off about me. I feel out of place with my peers, and most of the time I don’t even know why.”

He was being completely and utterly honest, and it made his voice almost falter.

“Why do you have to fit in, Adam?” 

“It’s an evolutionary trait in humans, we want to fit in with the rest of the group to ensure survival.” Adam said, mostly because he was afraid that his voice would go all shaky again if he kept on telling the truth.

“Come on. You can tell me, don’t blame it on our monkey brains or some shit..”

Adam gathered up his strength, taking a deep breath, feeling the mountain air course through him.

“I want to feel whole. I guess, I imagine I’ll feel whole when I figure out where I’m supposed to be, with who I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be.” 

Ronan was silent for a minute, as if he was considering what to say next. 

“What about becoming a lawyer, and your studies? Isn’t that your purpose? And your place?”

A tear rolled down Adam’s cheek. He’d kept his eyes locked on the celestial scene above, and he had given up on trying to blink it all away.

When was the last time he’d cried? He couldn’t remember for the life of him. Adam didn’t cry, he went numb. He bundled up his sadness, and proceeded to ignore it, always. Yet there he was, salty drops trickling down in an uncontrollable manner, steadily increasing.

“Then why do I feel like this?” The words barely came out, drowned by his sobs.

In the next moment, Ronan had his arms wrapped tightly around him, pulling him in close. 

“I’m sorry..” Adam managed to get out, when he saw that he was making a mess out of the front of Ronan’s jacket. 

“Don’t apologize, Adam.” Ronan said, shortly. “Stop apologizing.”

Years of frustration and anguish rushed out of him at once. In a way, it was cathartic. Perhaps he should allow himself to cry more often, find a way to fit it into his schedule, Adam thought. Preferably he’d be able to plan it so that Ronan would be present for his crying, meaning he could be there to stroke his fingers through Adam’s hair and console him. 

After a while, Adam finally managed to calm down. He wiped his nose on his sleeve, and rubbed his eyes. Right before he was about to say he was sorry yet again, he remembered Ronan’s words.

“Let’s go to bed.. We can talk more tomorrow after I’ve visited my mom. That alright?”

“Yeah. That’s alright..”

Ronan's childhood room was just as chaotic as his penthouse, filled with trinkets and pieces of art. At first Ronan had suggested that he'd sleep in one of his brother's old rooms, but Adam truly did not want to sleep alone. The narrow bed forced them to get close, and Adam didn't mind. After his breakdown he still felt fragile. In his mind, he saw himself as shattered but not completely broken apart. Ronan's arms could act like some kind of temporary glue until Adam would be able to piece himself back together. How or when he was going to that, that was the question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah!! i'm sorry for the longer wait again!
> 
> i really hope you enjoy this chapter, despite it again being very angsty. 
> 
> thank you for all of your comments, again. reading all of them makes me so so so happy and i'm always so excited to read your reflections and reactions. 
> 
> i apologize for any potential typos/grammatical errors/structural errors. i usually notice them after posting and then go back and edit them out :(


	8. Chapter 8

**Adam**

5:49 AM

  
  


Are you awake? Can I call you?

**Delivered**

The morning dew laid untouched, when Adam exited the house. He’d woken up early, and been completely unable to fall back asleep. With eyes still puffy, he’d untangled himself from Ronan’s strong embrace and escaped out to the calming morning.

Maybe there really was something in the air of the mountains, making him more vulnerable and prone to revealing all of his inner secrets.

He didn’t have to wait for a text back from Blue, because whilst he was taking in the view she’d called him.

“Don’t tell me you’re up studying before six on a Sunday.” Blue said, the moment he picked up his phone.

“I’m actually not.” Adam said, sitting down on the steps of the deck. There was a rocking chair placed by the backdoor, but it appeared to be a bit too unstable to carry his weight, so he opted on the creaky wooden steps.

“What are you doing up?” 

“Orla is doing some sort of all-night ritual in her room, and keeps waking me up with her loud mantras. Plus, Gansey kind of snores.” Blue said. 

“Do I snore?” Adam asked, a bit surprised that Gansey had been allowed to sleep in the same room as Blue. Adam had been exiled and forced to sleep on the couch. 

“Hm, not really.” Blue yawned. “Is snoring all you wanted to talk about, Adam?”

No, it wasn’t. What did he even want to talk about? Explaining his situation meant also having to explain where he was. Which meant, revealing his origins to another person besides Ronan, and that scared the shit out of him.

“Guess not. I just wanted to talk to you. It’s been a strange weekend.” Adam began. “I’m on a trip with Ronan, to Virginia. Guess it’s a work trip..” 

“Oh yeah. Persephone actually wanted me to tell you that “the mountains are safe.” Did you two go to the Blue Ridge Mountains?”

Adam was being converted, slowly but surely. He was becoming a believer of psychic abilities. The women of Blue’s family knew things they really shouldn’t. 

“Calla also had a message. It’s cryptic, but apparently “The snake would pull The Moon.” Up to you to decide what that means.” Blue said, and Adam hated the way he instantly knew who  _ The snake _ was. 

“I am up in the mountains, yeah.. Tell them I said thank you. What does The Moon mean?” Adam asked, itching at the sweater he had borrowed from Ronan. It was too big for him, leaving room for muscles he no longer had. 

“Honestly, I don’t know. I’ll ask and get back to you.” 

He could hear Blue’s yawn through the phone. 

“Okay. You should get back to sleep..” Adam said, holding back what he really wanted to say. His words were aching to get out, he wanted to tell Blue more about Ronan and the visit to Henrietta, about his feelings and sadness. Most of all, he wanted Blue to tell him what the fuck to do.

“Yeah, you’re right. Talk to you later?” 

After they said their goodbyes, Adam got up to return to Ronan back in his bed. However, someone else was standing in the doorway to the house, glaring back at him.

“Hello. Who are you?”

The man, who looked to be in his early thirties, was dressed in a well-fitting suit without a wrinkle or crease in sight. Brown, curly locks framed his face, and Adam recognized his features, since they were so similar to Ronan’s. 

This was most likely his older brother.  _ Shithead _ , he could hear Ronan’s voice echo in his head.

Adam wasn’t quite sure how he had been visualizing Ronan’s sibling in his mind, but seeing him in front of him, it made sense. He had a politician's aura.

“I’m Adam. I’m..” Who the fuck was he?  _ I’m your little brother’s personal prostitute, pleasure to meet you sir. _ Had Ronan even told the rest of his family that he was bringing Adam? “I’m a friend of Ronan’s.”

Ronan’s brother, whose name Adam was unable to remember, kept on staring at him. He appeared to be analyzing Adam from top to bottom, because the look on his face was exactly what Adam imagined himself looking like when he scrutinized every situation he found himself in.

“Ah. Do you know if Ronan’s awake? Or maybe he never went to bed.” The man said, throwing a quick glance at the pristine watch resting on his wrist.

“I’ll go check.” Adam said, quickly passing him, as a means of escaping the situation as fast as possible.

  
  


_ _ _

  
  
  


Ronan woke up to the sound of his door being shut. By the door, a stressed Adam stood, looking back at him.

“What’s up?” Ronan asked, a bit disoriented from being pulled away from his dream in such an abrupt manner. It had been a nice dream.

“Your brother is downstairs. Or, I think it’s your brother. He looks like you, but older. And with hair” Adam said, sitting down next to him. 

“Declan? That’s the most insulting thing you’ve ever said to me.” Ronan sighed, sitting upright. “But yeah. We’re supposed to go to church at eight.” 

It was a peculiar feeling. Wandering across the fields of the Barns, being back in his childhood bed, waking up to go to church with his family. Suddenly he was a teenager again. A happy teenager, before everything went to shit. Before the shaved head, the tattoos and the unrelenting rage.

“Do you want to come with? I forgot to tell you, but we always go to church every Sunday.” 

Adam looked pensive, as he fiddled with the sheets of the bed they’d shared previously.

“I haven’t been to church in a long time. Plus I didn’t really pack church-appropriate attire.” He said. Adam hadn’t really packed much at all, he just had a backpack stuffed with clothes he had scrambled together whilst Ronan had waited outside his apartment building.

Whilst Adam had packed, Ronan had observed the type of neighbourhood Adam lived in. He was already planning how he was going to convince Adam to let him pay for a nicer apartment, as soon as they got back to the city.

“What about one of those flowy shirts you always wear?” Ronan asked.

“I’m not wearing a low-cut hooker blouse to a catholic church, Ronan.”

“Is that their technical name?” He grinned, reaching over to run his hand through Adam’s hair. With time, casual touches had become more and more acceptable between them, which Ronan greatly appreciated. Any time not spent touching Adam was time wasted.

“Yes. It’s what we call them in the industry.” Adam grinned right back.

In the end, Ronan managed to find fitting clothes for Adam after scavenging through the rows of old clothes of his wardrobe. 

The drive to St. Agnes was shrouded in silence, as Ronan tried his best to not fight with Declan in front of Adam. Avoiding all conversation was the best tactic to avoid a battle. Ronan ached for war, however. He wanted to yell at Declan and he wanted Declan to scream back. War was normalcy for the two brothers. The fact that they weren’t fighting meant something was up. And as soon as Ronan was reminded of what was up, he wanted to explode.

But the silence remained, until they picked up Matthew from the hotel he and Declan were staying at. 

“How did you meet my brother? What do you do? Do you also live in New York City? How old are you?”

There was an endless barrage of questions heading Adam’s way, as soon as they were introduced to each other in the backseat. The fact that Matthew and Adam were both around the same age really fucked with Ronan’s head, and made him question his morals.

“Uh, I..” Adam began, looking at Ronan through the rearview mirror, meeting his eyes.

“We met through Gansey.” Ronan said. “Adam studies at Columbia.”

“Yeah. We’re friends.” Adam said, looking back at Matthew with a small smile. 

Matthew smiled even wider, before he continued on with his interview. “Oh, what do you study? How do you know Gansey? How did you get into an Ivy?”

Adam kept on giving vague answers, and looked eternally relieved when the car pulled up to the parking lot of St. Agnes. Before entering the church, he pulled Ronan aside.

“We should have coordinated our lies before I had to meet your family members.” He said with a huff, crossing his arms.

“You’re doing fine. We’re friends, we met through Gansey, the story is all set.” Ronan grinned. “You look really hot in my blazer.” He added, putting his arm around Adam’s waist, mostly to mess with him.

“Shut up.” Adam sighed, quickly looking around. Any potential onlookers had already gone inside. Ronan wished Declan would see them. He wished Declan would get furious and scold him for being inappropriate, and for being with someone the same age as their little brother. Just so that something would happen. The hours were ticking down, and the visit to their mother was coming closer and closer.

“What if anyone asks for details? Does your family know about your sexuality? Otherwise you probably shouldn’t be so touchy.” 

“You’ll make something up. It’s not a big deal. And yes, they know I’m gay as fuck. Let’s go inside.” 

  
  


_ _ _

  
  
  


Again, Adam felt like an outsider looking in. Religion was a strange and foreign concept to him. It wasn’t something he reserved space for in his mind. He was too busy thinking about how to survive the world, to think about how the world came to be.

By then, he’d pretty much tuned out the sound of the priest’s voice, instead focusing on the visuals of the church. After spending so much time with Ronan, and seeing his art, he associated the aesthetic of catholicism with Ronan. Just like Ronan, it was beautiful.

A knee bumped into his own. Ronan had moved closer in the pew, meaning their legs were flush against each other. His thigh resting against Ronan’s. A shiver ran down Adam’s spine, and his mind was filled with thoughts he probably shouldn’t be having in a place of worship, just in case there was an omniscient god after all, watching him and listening in on his sinful fantasies.

The situation was only a mild step-up from being grilled by Ronan’s younger brother. He was being betrayed by his own thoughts, besides being betrayed by Ronan. He kept on making Adam lose control. In all aspects of his life. He lost control of his autonomy, of his finances, of his guarded past, of his mouth, and of his mind. 

Adam didn’t know whether he liked it or not. Sometimes it felt freeing. It felt freeing to allow Ronan to take the reins, and it felt freeing to let his words flow out without inhibition. But he had to trust him. He had to trust that Ronan wouldn’t do anything stupid, and that he wouldn’t react negatively in regards to Adam’s past. 

He probably wouldn’t handle it if he did. He was definitely not handling the moment at hand, when Ronan rested his palm against Adam’s upper thigh. Adam recoiled, scooting away from him with a glare. Ronan was just grinning right back at him. 

After the church service, and after Declan had dropped the two of them off back at the Barns, it was time to prepare for visiting their mother. 

“What the hell was that, Ronan?” Adam asked with a sigh, as soon as he saw Declan’s car leave the driveway.

“What was what?” Ronan asked, halfway inside the house. Adam followed suit, arms crossed.

“You tried to feel me up in a church in front of your brothers.” He pointed out. Ronan had reached his bedroom, and was getting out of his uncomfortable suit to change clothes. 

“I was just messing with you, fucking relax, Adam.” Ronan said, shaking his head at him. “Christ, where are my pants!? This place is so fucking messy, Declan left this whole fucking house in ruins.”

Ronan began digging through his suitcase with swift hands, making an even bigger mess, tossing clothes around him on the floor. His behaviour seemed erratic. He’d been acting strange the entire day.

Adam looked at him with a deep set frown. “Ronan, are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m okay, but I can’t find my damn pants. We’re going to be late for the visiting hours so maybe I’m a little stressed? Shit!” Ronan snapped. 

“Here.” Adam said, picking up the pair of trousers hanging over the side of the bed. He chucked them at Ronan, who was still sitting on the floor. Perhaps it would knock some sense into him.

“Thanks..” Ronan muttered, as he finished getting dressed. “I’m being an asshole.” Ronan concluded, sitting down besides Adam on the mattress. 

“Yeah.” Adam nodded, fidgeting with the soft sheets. “I take it you’re nervous about visiting your mother?”

Ronan answered with a nod. “I haven’t seen her in forever. I’m worried about that state she is in.”

“If it’s okay for me to ask.. What kind of illness does she have?” Adam asked, his tone gentle.

“Early-onset Alzheimers. She has some kind of rare form of it. At first, she stopped being able to make new memories, just after our dad died. Then it just got worse and worse. The thing with Alzheimers is that eventually it just fucks your body as well. I guess that’s what’s happening now..” 

Adam wasn’t sure of what to say. It was clear that Ronan was hurting. The previous evening, Ronan had comforted Adam so effortlessly, he’d known exactly what to say and do to make Adam feel so much better. 

Obviously, Adam didn’t possess the same ability. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”

He tried to put himself into Ronan’s mindset, but it was impossible. The prospect of losing a parent didn’t mean much to him. If someone from his old life found him and informed him that his father had passed, would he shed a single tear? Would it affect his life in any way, shape or form? His parents were effectively already dead to him. 

“You don’t have to say anything, Adam. Let’s head out.” Ronan said, getting up. 

“Are you sure I should come? Perhaps it should just be family. She doesn’t know me after all.”

“She’ll forget you by tomorrow.”

Turns out she’d forget Adam about three times before the visit was over. Time and time again, Adam had to perform the task of introducing himself, and he could see how Ronan’s face became more and more troubled each time. 

“Do you go to school with Ronan at Aglionby?” Aurora asked, with a bright smile. Out of the trio of brothers, she resembled Matthew the most. They were both drawn up in the image of the sun.

“No, ma’am. We met in New York City.” Adam said. He was usually quite proficient at mirroring expressions, but he was unable to smile with the kind of happiness Ronan’s mother seemed to possess. 

“Oh, that’s nice. Such a beautiful city..”

The medical emergency had been a false alarm, and by the end of their visit at the nursing home, the staff had assured them that Aurora would be okay. At least for a while.

Tears had streamed down Matthew’s cheeks for the whole duration of conversation with his mother, as well as with the staff members. Ronan comforted him. Effortlessly, again. It was a soft side of Ronan, and Adam was glad that he was one of the few people who got to see it.

Ronan didn’t leave that gentle state of mind on the ride back to the Barns. Adam could see that a weight had lifted off of his shoulders. 

“I’m glad she’s going to be okay.. Your mother is really kind.” Adam said. They’d ended up on the couch, after eating dinner with Matthew and Declan. Although the air had been awfully tense at times, especially between Ronan and his older brother, there hadn’t been any awkward or difficult conversations.

“Yeah.. I’m glad too.” Ronan said, leaning back and wrapping his arm around Adam, pulling him in tighter. “I’m going to visit her more often. Even if she doesn’t remember it.. I think it’s good.”

Adam nodded, before leaning his head against the crook Ronan’s neck. He was warm, and the heat radiated off of him in a welcome manner. The estate could get quite cold.

After a few quiet minutes, Ronan spoke up. “You know.. We said we’d talk. Yesterday.” He said, carefully.

Oh, fuck no. Adam did not want to re-experience that. The entire day had been so hectic and eventful, that he had pushed his breakdown aside so easily. Ronan’s words were enough to make the sadness come rushing back, and talking about it would make it even worse.

Then he remembered the relief he had felt. And the reassurance that Ronan would comfort him.

“What about it?”

Another quiet moment passed.

“Do you want to tell me why you were so reluctant to come here? At first?”

It had been a secret for so long. He’d never told anyone. He’d never told his friend next door at the trailer park. He’d never told the stressed out school counselor at his middle school, even if she had done her best to wring it out of him. He’d never told Blue. Sometimes he even managed to convince himself it never even happened.

“My childhood wasn’t anything like yours..” He began. 

Ronan looked at him, with a small, encouraging nod. Signaling that he could go on.

“There’s a trailer park in Halford, west of town. I lived there with my mom and my dad until I went to college.”

Talking about it hurt. It hurt, and it hurt, and it hurt. His words were sharp as knives, cutting his throat and tongue on the way out, making tears well up.

“I don’t know what to tell you..” He continued, voice quivering. “It was just bad. It was always bad, in all the ways you’re probably thinking. It was physical and mental torture for the majority of my life. I ran from it, made it out, and swore I wouldn’t return.”

Adam took a deep breath. He kind of wished they were outside, like they had been the day before, so the cold air could fill him up with vigor. 

“I’m afraid I’ll never be able to move past it. I’m afraid it will always control me, haunt me in a way. Up until now I’ve tried to, I’ve tried to push it all aside and forget about it. I’ve tried to make a new life, and in the process un-make my old life. But it clearly hasn’t been working.”

He reluctantly met Ronan’s eyes. 

“Ignoring it makes it worse. I would know.” Ronan spoke up, after a couple of quiet moments passed them by. “Thank you for telling me.”

This time, he didn’t breakdown in the way he had out in the field. It was a more manageable sadness. A gentle one. Maybe the whole “talking about your feelings” concept wasn’t so bad after all. 

Adam decided to test the theory. He wanted to purposely tear himself apart, so that they could rebuild him together.

“I’m deaf in my left ear.” He said. “It’s why I don’t always hear you, during sex or when we’re in public. And why I sometimes bump into you when we walk side by side. It affects my balance.”

“You are? Why did you never tell me?” Ronan asked with a small frown.

“I wasn’t born with it. It isn’t genetic, or anything like that. A month before I left for Columbia, my father found out how much money I had been making, when I worked two jobs during high school. Money I was saving, and not giving to him.” 

Another deep breath. Perhaps the atmosphere of the tranquil home could also grant him some strength.

“So he beat the shit out of me and pushed me down the steps of our trailer. I hit the side of my head on the railing, on the way down. And since then I can’t hear anything out of that ear.”

The secret was out. It hadn’t been a detailed account, but it was more than anything he had ever shared with anyone before. It was more than he had even shared with himself. He quickly wiped his tears, trying to erase any evidence that they had been there in the first place.

“Adam, holy fuck.” Ronan muttered. His arms wrapped around him, pulling Adam in for a hug. He could tell Ronan was heated, but he was doing a good job of keeping it in. “I’m glad you got out of there.”

“Have I? Gotten out of there?” Adam asked, pulling back to look at Ronan with a sad smile. “I feel like I’m stuck there. I’ll never leave. The experience will always limit me.”

“That’s not true. Adam, you’re the smartest, funniest, most wonderful person I know. You’re destined for greatness. You’re going to conquer everything.” Ronan said.

“Destined for greatness?” Adam repeated, with a small smile. “You’re so dramatic.”

Because it was easier to make it into a joke. That was so much easier than actually listening to and internalizing Ronan’s praising words. 

“Have you seen my art? Drama is what I do.” Ronan grinned, before his expression turned more serious again. “I’m not kidding, Adam. You won’t feel this way forever. You’re going to do amazing things.”

“Thank you. Thank you for listening to me.”

“Of course.” Ronan said. “I don’t think you realize.. because I haven’t told you, but.. You’ve done a lot for me. Before we met, I was a mess. I’m still a mess but.. a better one.”

The words came out in a careful manner. Ronan was choosing them wisely, and Adam suspected there was a lot of meaning behind them. It was scary to think about. That he’d had an impact on Ronan’s life. Ronan, who possessed so much power and influence, had been influenced by someone as powerless as Adam.

“Do you want to go to bed? We have to get up early tomorrow for the flight..” Ronan said, when Adam never replied out loud. Softly, he stroked Adam’s hair back. It was getting longer, and he really had to treat himself to a haircut. With Ronan’s financial support, it wouldn’t be an issue.

Right. The financial support. 

During the day, it had been easy to forget all about their deal. About his dependence on Ronan and their strange and uneven power dynamic. He was reminded of the fact that they weren’t equals. After this trip, he’d go back to being a regularly scheduled product. They’d have these moments in between, moments of true friendship, but it would always be ruined by the preface of their relationship.

“Yeah. Let’s sleep.” Adam said. He wanted to sleep to escape his thoughts.

Tucked in beside Ronan, with his arms holding him together yet again, sleep didn’t feel far away. When he got home, he would tell Blue. He promised himself that. It was only fair, and if telling Ronan made him feel so much lighter, he imagined telling Blue would have a similar effect. 

Just as he had been about to slip away into a deep sleep, Ronan broke the silence.

“I wanted to tell you something else. I have to tell you.” 

Adam opened his eyes, and they were staring right back at Ronan’s, facing him in the bed. They were pressed together tightly, the bed wasn’t made for two men. 

“I meant what I said. I really like you, and I think I..”

Don’t.

  
  
  
  
  


Don’t fucking say it. He wouldn’t dare, surely?

  
  
  
  
  
  


“I think I love you.”

  
  
  
  
  


Adam kept on glaring at Ronan, unable to find the right words. But not saying anything wasn’t the right response either. He could see that, in the way Ronan seemed to deflate in the dark room, spirits crushed.

There were so many reasons as to why Ronan simply  _ couldn’t  _ be in love with Adam. He didn’t even know him, he just knew a lot  _ about  _ him by then. No one knew Adam, he was unknowable. 

He was also Ronan’s property. Perhaps Ronan loved him the way an owner would love their dog. Perhaps loved what Adam could offer, what Adam could bring to his life. No way in hell he loved  _ Adam _ .

“I.. I don’t know what to say, Ronan.” Adam said, still in disbelief.

“Don’t. Don’t say anything, you don’t have to. It’s okay. Let’s just sleep, yeah?”

Sleeping seemed a lot more inviting compared to the alternative. Compared to having to stay up and talk about the whole ordeal. So, he slept.

He woke up once during the night, from the sound of the door to the room opening and closing. Looking over, Ronan was missing from the bed.

The next time he woke up, from the sun hitting his face, Ronan was there beside him, still asleep.

  
  
  
  


The trip back to New York City was covered in silence. They didn’t speak more than they had to. On the drive down to Richmond, Ronan didn’t play any of the awfully amazing music he’d been blasting on the way up. They didn’t stop for McDonald’s. They didn’t bicker and joke around.

Adam wanted to explain to Ronan. He wanted to explain why it would never work, and why he couldn’t be in love, and how Adam had just fooled him into thinking that. It was only natural for him to develop some kind of confusing feelings, seeing as Adam was spending so much time pretending to be his boyfriend. But the words never came out. He decided to give it time.

They were on the final leg of the trip, as Ronan drove towards his apartment in Harlem. Nothing of value had been said since the night before. As twilight settled over the city, Adam gazed out of the window. Despite the tense mood in the car, Adam felt relieved to be back. He felt relieved to be out of Virginia. 

The BMW pulled up to the curb in front of Adam’s building. 

“Thank you for the ride home. And for this whole trip..” Adam began. He really was grateful. If he ignored the whole love confession, it had been an overall good experience. He felt more whole than ever before, one step closer to being an entire person.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” Ronan replied. 

  
  
  
  
  


What?

  
  
  
  
  


“I’ll keep paying your salary, until you’ve figured it all out and found another job. But I don’t think we should continue meeting up. I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, thank you so much yet again for reading and for leaving amazing comments <3
> 
> i'm sorry for ending this chapter like this! i promise there will be more happiness in the next chapter. after more turmoil of course!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _please note the tags changing ! ___

_ I don’t think we should see each other anymore. _

  
  


Ronan wanted to see Adam forever. He wanted to see him every minute of every day, wanted to see all of him, know all of his secrets, share all of his moments.

But he couldn’t. 

Continuing would be torture. Overwhelming and painful torture was all that continuing would be, knowing that Adam simply didn’t feel the same way about Ronan. So, Ronan spoke the words, ending their relationship. 

Adam didn’t really have a response. He just nodded, said “okay,” and exited the BMW. As Adam disappeared into his building, Ronan was struck by the thought that perhaps that moment would be the last time he ever saw Adam. And what a horrifying thought it was.

Before the door shut behind Adam, Ronan wished he would look back. Cast a final glance at Ronan, so he could get one last look at his face. An opportunity to memorize it, to make sure he would never forget it. Ronan still had a few paintings of Adam sealed away in his gallery, paintings he had never shown him, but they were nothing like the real deal. They weren’t enough.

Remaining still, Ronan sat alone in the car for far too long. At first he worried that Adam was looking at him through his window, seeing that he hadn’t left just yet. Then, he remembered Adam had mentioned a few months back that the reason he was so transfixed by the windows of Ronan’s penthouse was because his only window at home merely faced the wall of the neighbouring building. 

It made Ronan’s heart break even further, knowing that never again would he get to sit with Adam in the early and late hours of the day, watching the sunrise and sunset as the rays painted the city in different colours. 

Never again, would he get to see Adam’s face light up as he tried a new dish he’d never had the chance to enjoy before. He’d never get to hear Adam’s pleased sigh as he took the first bite, savouring the flavours in a way Ronan rarely did, ever again. 

It felt so final. 

What was he supposed to do? He wanted to drive, preferably way too fast, but the New York traffic would just piss him off, and he’d likely cause an accident or two. He wanted to drink, drown out his emotions just like he used to, look for some solace in the bottom of a liquor bottle. 

It was a pointless search. But at least it was something to do. As he drove towards Greenwich Village, towards the bottles and the emptiness, his thoughts drifted to his last relapse, years ago. 

_ As soon as you have these thoughts, these impulses, you have to tell me. _

Gansey had been sitting by his hospital bed, looking awfully concerned.

_ Promise. You’ll tell me before it ever gets this bad again. _

When traffic stilled at a red light, Ronan pulled out his phone and dialed him, intending on keeping his vow. 

The dial tones echoed through the speakers of his call, continuing for too long, before Gansey’s voicemail began playing its message.

“Greetings! You have reached Richard Campb-” 

Promptly, he shut off his phone. Ronan took it as God sending him a clear message. 

  
  
  


_ _ _

  
  
  


_ I don’t think we should see each other anymore. _

With those words, Adam had to begin rearranging his life again. He didn’t have time to mourn their relationship at first, he was too busy figuring out his new plan. The previous plan had relied on Ronan paying him throughout the foreseeable future. He’d crunched the numbers, figured out where to place his money for optimal savings, calculated the amount he’d have in his account when he graduated.

He wasn’t in any real trouble per se. His generous salary, even though he’d only received two payments from Ronan, meant that he had a sizable amount saved to cover rent and food the coming months. But then what? 

Adam hated it, but he’d gotten so comfortable with Ronan. He’d gotten used to excess, and the prospect of moderation scared him. Rather, unsafety scared him. Ronan had radiated so much safety, in all aspects of their relationship.

Why did he have to go ahead and ruin it? What a waste.

“Are you going to try to find a new job, then? Or go back to.. you know..” Blue asked, stirring her teacup with light fingers. 

“Go back to sex work, you mean?” Adam sighed. Sitting on Blue’s mattress, he was reminded of his fiery hate for the dorms he’d once called home. The sound of the bed next door rocking rhythmically against the paper-thin walls just made it worse. Blue had put on some music in an attempt to drown it out. 

“I can’t go back to working for the agency. I can’t go back to selling myself at all.. So I guess I’ll try to get a normal job again.” 

“I could ask at my job. Maybe we need another busboy.” Blue suggested, taking a sip from her cup of green tea. 

“That’d be really nice of you..” Adam said, a bit disconnected as he looked at the collection of prints and pictures at the wall beside Blue’s bed. The vibrant and eclectic colors made him think of Ronan. Everything reminded him of Ronan. Art, champagne, tattoos, black cars, shaved heads, sharp wit, having dinner, going to bed, waking up.

He tried to rationalize it, as per usual. They’d spent a lot of time together, they’d become friends. Besides, it was still fresh. A week had passed since their parting of ways. It’s only natural that Adam would think about him, now and then.

It was supposed to be now and then. Not always. 

“Are you okay?” Blue asked. Adam looked back at her. Of course, she had that concerned and worried look on her face.

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?” He said, with a sigh.

Blue sighed right back at him. “Adam, you can’t have that be your default answer to people asking if you’re alright!”

“Well, maybe people should stop asking, since I’m fine. I’m always fine.” 

“Please just let me worry about you, Adam.” 

“There’s nothing to worry about! There shouldn’t be. I can finally stop living this ridiculous lifestyle and I can stop selling my body. I can stop being owned by another person. I can be a completely normal student. I should be really happy about all of this.” Adam said.

“But I take it you aren’t?” Blue said, nudging Adam’s mug towards him on the bedside table. He hadn’t touched his tea yet.

“No.” Adam admitted. “At least not yet. But I think I’m just.. sad about the loss of a friend. Ronan was a really good friend. Nothing else.” He caved in to Blue’s demands, taking a sip from the sweet mug of tea.

“Nothing else?” Blue asked.

“Please stop analyzing me.” Adam said with a huff, laying down on her bed and placing her soft pillow over his face. “I don’t want you to psychoanalyze me. You deserve so much more than constantly having to be my therapist.” He complained.

Blue grinned. “I’m trying to understand, Adam. And I did actually take AP Psychology junior year, so I’m more than qualified!” She pulled away the pillow, removing his shield.

“I doubt I can make you understand since I barely understand it myself.” Adam sat back up, with a deep sigh.

“I feel bad. I feel really bad about the fact that I miss him, because I’m not supposed to. I’m trying to deal with all that..” He said.

Blue looked at him, contemplative as she thought. 

“You can miss him if you want to. What’s the harm? Who’s stopping you besides yourself?” 

Who was stopping him? Why did he feel such intense guilt over his feelings? Adam wasn’t quite sure. 

“Maybe you just need to get your mind off of things!” Blue said, as Adam opted to not reply to her previous question. “Anne is throwing a get-together tomorrow in her apartment. You should come with.”

“You know how I feel about your friends, Blue.”

The party would probably be beautiful and intimate. Anne’s apartment would be lined with lit candles, she’d play amazing music Adam had never heard of on her record player, and Blue’s group of friends wouldn’t mind if he said no to a hypothetical glass of wine, or the hypothetical joint being passed around. They’d discuss concepts big and small, and plan the revolution. 

But Adam would just feel lonely and out of place. 

“You’ve barely given them a proper chance. They like you! Nikita thinks you’re the smartest person he’s ever met. And Alex thinks you’re really cute.” She protested.

“They’re your people, Blue. Not mine.”

  
  


_ _ _

  
  
  


“Hey! I’ve tried to get a hold of you for days, Ronan! I missed your call on Monday, I was just busy with Jane.” Gansey said, as Ronan picked up. He could hear his smile shining through the phone, as soon as he mentioned his girlfriend.

“Yeah. Sorry about that..” Ronan mumbled.

“So what was up? It’s rare for you to call me for a change!” 

“Nothing. It was nothing..”

“Okay.. I have an interview for my dissertation today, but maybe we could talk more soon? Have coffee?”

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Ronan?”

  
  
  
  
  


Oh. Suppose he’d forgotten to answer. 

“Yeah. Sounds good.”

“Alright..” Gansey was quiet for a couple beats. “You sure you’re doing good?”

  
  
  
  
  


“Yeah. I’m okay.”

  
  
  


_ _ _

  
  
  


Adam gave it time. Still, Ronan was a permanent fixture in his mind.

Would Ronan seek out someone new? Someone to take Adam’s place? Had he perhaps already succeeded in finding another partner? Someone sexier, funnier, smarter, younger. Someone more stable and open than Adam could ever be.

Maybe he was taking them to dinner every night. Maybe Ronan sat across from them right then and there, at a restaurant surrounded by sprawling views of the city, complaining about Amelie or Declan to someone new, as Adam sat in his apartment alone, eating ramen in his bed.

Someone new would learn everything about him. They’d learn that Ronan’s favourite colour was green, maybe even paint their nails in that shade, to show him they listened. They’d learn that Ronan struggles with insomnia, and that he needs help winding down before falling asleep. If they stuck around, maybe they’d learn that deep inside, Ronan was a gentle soul beneath a harsh exterior. 

Adam knew he was being ridiculous. He was making himself jealous of a persona he’d conjured up in his own head. 

He still had Ronan’s number saved in his phone. He was potentially only a text away. Adam pulled up their conversation, and cringed at the sight of the last string of messages. Their short exchange following Adam’s drunk texting.

**Adam**

Saturday Oct 17 03:07

I need to know Ar we evn friends ? ?

**Read**

What had his intoxicated self even meant? Why had he turned to Ronan in his most vulnerable state? 

Looking back, he supposed he’d been searching for reassurance. He wanted to know he was important to Ronan, that they were friends. That even if his life had no meaning, even if he had no purpose or place in the world, Ronan still needed him. At least in some capacity. 

He’d gotten even more than he’d asked for, though, seeing as Ronan apparently needed him so much that he’d consider it love. 

Could it be love? Was it possible that Ronan actually felt such feelings?

If anything, he was in love with Adrian. Adam had to remind himself of that. If he truly was in love, he was in love with a character carefully crafted for him by Adam. Contradicting that, though, was the fact that towards the end of their relationship, Adrian had merged with Adam to create someone else.

A mask he only ever wore around Ronan. Sometimes, remnants of that person would come forward around Blue, but never with his friends at school, his professors, or strangers he came across. 

It scared him that just maybe, that was the real Adam. The person he’d been trying to become all of his life, the self he’d been desperately searching for. Because it meant his true person was linked to Ronan. It meant on a subconscious level, Adam was only truly comfortable around him.

The consequences of that would be damning. 

During his third week of dissecting the situation in his head, the third week of being constantly distracted by his longing, the third week since the words  _ “I don’t think we should see each other anymore”  _ had been uttered, Adam caved.

What was the point of lying to himself? What was the reason for denying himself a shot at love? Before even giving it a try? 

A lonely Friday evening, he gathered all of his strength and courage to call Ronan. He’d just ask if they could meet up, and then he’d tell him. He was already planning how the dialogue would pan out in his head.

Ronan fucked it all up by not even answering. It was all very anticlimactic, when the dial tones turned into Ronan’s voicemail message. It was the automated one, Ronan hadn’t even bothered to set up a proper message.

What had Adam been expecting? Ronan barely ever picked up. The only person that Adam has observed Ronan regularly responding to was his younger brother. 

Adam refused to give up. He’d gotten so far, arrived at so many realizations, he couldn’t just let it all go. 

If Ronan wasn’t picking up, Adam could just show up on his doorstep instead.

  
  
  


_ _ _

  
  
  


Alcohol was disgusting. There was barely anything pleasurable about it anymore, the taste didn’t matter. He didn’t stop to think about the notes of the whiskey, the smoky flavour or the smooth texture. 

It was a means to an end. A vehicle, taking him from insanity to darkness. Turning his depression into nothing.

  
  
  


_ _ _

  
  
  


On the subway, Adam was moved back in time to the first time he met Ronan. A similar sense of nervousness mixed with excitement filled his body, just as it had that night. There was a distinct change in temperature, however. Late summer had turned into late fall. 

Instead of an intentionally risque outfit and gently applied makeup, Adam was wearing the same clothes he’d worn to school and a bare face. The necklace he’d received from Ronan was tucked in underneath his sweater. Adam decided to bring it out, let everyone around him see the piece.

Stop by stop, he got closer. He began working on a new script in his mind, a new monologue so as to make sure he wouldn’t forget what he wanted to forward to Ronan, when they finally reunited. 

Walking through the streets of Greenwich village on the way from the final stop to Ronan’s building, the nightlife was just beginning to pick up around him. There was a certain optimism to his steps, but part of him was still a bit worried it was too late.

Looking up, in the distance, Adam could see that the lights were on in the penthouse perched upon Ronan’s tall building. He was home.

The doorman let him in, no questions asked as per usual, recognizing Adam. In the elevator, his nerves rushed through him like a tidal wave. Would Ronan be angry with him, in some way, for taking so long to come to terms with feelings? How would he react? Adam hated uncertainty, and wished for the elevator ride to just end so he could get it all over with, so he could be back in Ronan’s arms. 

What if Ronan wasn’t alone? What if he was with the potential  _ someone new  _ that had been plaguing Adam’s thoughts. Adam tried to shake that whole idea off of him, as the ever so familiar bell dinged.

Something was wrong, Adam instantly realized. Something was off, as he stepped out of the lift and into the penthouse. It was messy. Not messy in the way it always was, with the abundance of stuff littered around the walls and shelves. After seeing the Barns, Adam had figured out where Ronan had gotten his decorational style from. 

It was messy as in, dirty. There were dried up muddy footprints from the foyer, headed up towards the stairs leading to the second story. Through the arch leading to the kitchen, Adam could see bags of takeout and bottles of beer littering the countertops. 

Everything about it was strange. Ronan had a housekeeper regularly visit, and the floors were never not polished to perfection. Besides that, a strong smell filled the home. Something acidic and pungent, mixed with the distinct scent of alcohol. 

“Ronan? It’s me..” Adam called out. “Are you there?”

No response. 

“Ronan?”

Again, silence.

Adam decided to go looking for him. The lights were on, the doorman hadn’t said anything to indicate that Ronan wasn’t home, and the boots he always wore were knocked over by the shoe rack. Maybe he was just sleeping? But Adam had never seen Ronan asleep before midnight before.

Walking up the stairs, the stench became stronger and stronger, as he approached Ronan’s bedroom. “Hello?” Adam tried again, before entering the room. Bottles were lining the nightstand, as well as the coffee table by the seating area. For how long had they been there? How much had he been drinking? Had he been drinking all by himself?

There was no sign of Ronan in the bedroom, but the door to the ensuite stood wide open, with the harsh lighting pouring out into the otherwise dark room. Looking in, Adam could see a pair of legs laying lifeless on the marble tiles. 

“Ronan!”

As he rushed into the bathroom, the source of the smell was revealed to come from a small pool of vomit, placed right next to Ronan’s head on the floor. Gripped with panic, Adam tried his hardest to violently shake Ronan back to life. He just slumped over, like a ragdoll. 

Quickly, Adam searched for a pulse, and he was immensely relieved, perhaps there was a god after all who had heard his quick prayer, as he felt the irregular beat at Ronan’s throat. His breathing, also irregular, came out harsh and strained, but at least it was there.

Everything pointed to alcohol poisoning. With trembling hands, he searched through his pockets for his phone to call for an ambulance, before realizing it was left behind in his jacket downstairs. 

“Jesus fucking Christ, Ronan!” Adam exclaimed, before running out to fetch his phone. He needed help, he desperately needed someone to help him and tell him what to do. 

Luckily, the 9-1-1 dispatcher did just that. 

“Sir, remain calm for me. There’s an ambulance heading towards you right now, but I need you to stay with him until they get there. Could you lay him on his side for me, with his knees pulled up?”

Adam put his phone on speaker, before laying it down on the tiles to position Ronan better.

“Okay. I’ve done that, n-now.” His voice was shaking, and by then he had tears streaming down his face. 

“You said he was breathing, and that’s good. Stay with him, and if he throws up again you have to make sure he doesn’t choke on it. Okay? The ambulance will be right with you.”

“Y-Yeah.” Adam managed to get out, in between frightened sobs. 

“Is it okay if we hang up now? The ambulance is just a couple of minutes away, and they will take over.”

  
“Alright.” Adam said, unable to say anything else. As the call disconnected, the only thing one could hear was Ronan’s difficult breaths, and Adam’s cries. 

His fingers were unsteady as he grabbed his phone again, and he even managed to drop it to the floor. Picking it up, he called Blue. He had no one else to turn to but her.

“Hey Adam!” She said as she picked up. “Did you change your mind about coming out for drinks with us? Gansey and I are just about to head out!”

“B-Blue-” Adam sobbed, and he hated the way his words came out. He was utterly and completely out of control of the situation at hand, as well as his own emotions.

“Adam, what’s wrong?” Her tone shifted in an instant, from cheerful to worried. 

“Ronan, he, he, Ronan-” The dispatcher who had received his call for help had managed to calm him down for a few fleeting moments, but now full scale panic had gripped him again. “Ronan overdosed on alcohol, and, and the ambulance is coming, but I- I don’t know what to do Blue, you have to tell me what to do!”

“Ronan overdosed?” Blue said. Adam could hear Gansey’s voice in the background. “Let me speak with him.”

“Hi, Adam. It’s me, Gansey. Ronan’s friend. I know this is a stressful situation, but it’s going to be okay. Is he breathing?” Gansey’s voice was calm, as he took over the phone from Blue.

“Yeah, yeah he is. He is, but harshly. And I, I, he’s thrown up, and I don’t know how long he’s been laying here, and he just- he just won’t wake up.” Adam rambled. 

Downstairs, he could hear the elevator doors open as the paramedics entered the penthouse. “Up here!” He called out.

“The ambulance is here now.”

“Alright. This has happened before, he’s going to be just fine. They’re going to take him to the ER, and they’re going to take care of him. Then, later, he’s going to be transferred. Go with him in the ambulance, and Blue and I will meet you at the hospital. Alright?”

“Alright.”

  
  
  


_ _ _

  
  
  


Hospitals were always so unpleasant. It was all bright white lights, uncomfortable scrubs and an intense atmosphere of imminent death and decay. Ronan wasn’t a fan, overall. They did serve their purpose though, seeing as he was still alive. 

If looks could kill, he would probably not stay alive for too long, seeing as Gansey was glaring at him from one of the chairs placed by his hospital bed.

“Glad to see you’re awake.” Gansey said.

“Well, I’m not glad. My headache is brutal and I can’t remember shit. Plus, this is some extreme fucking déjà vu.” Ronan groaned, closing his eyes. “What happened?”

“Adam found you unconscious in your bathroom, covered in puke.” Gansey said.

Ronan sat up quickly, eyes wide open. “What do you mean Adam found me?” Ronan demanded to know.

“I mean, he came over to see you and found you near death on your bathroom floor. He was terrified, and rightfully so. No one should have to go through that.” 

Gansey sighed, leaning forward towards Ronan’s spot on the bed. “What happened? You haven’t gotten drunk in years, Ronan. Years! And you promised me you would tell me if you ever felt it coming on. You promised you wouldn’t get like this. What if nobody finds you, next time? What if you choke? What would I do then, huh? What would Matthew and Declan do?”

Guilt consumed him. “I know. I know, I promised but.. After breaking things off with Adam, I just wanted to be alone. And drinking seemed.. very inviting.” He said. Gansey’s words scared him. What if he hadn’t woken up in the hospital bed? It was better to just not think about it.

“I wanted to take the edge off. I started out small but.. you know how I get. Last night I went too far, I guess. But why was Adam at my apartment?” 

What had he been doing there? What would have happened if he’d arrived earlier, before Ronan started his session of binge drinking? 

“I don’t know. You’ll have to ask him when he comes back, but I’m very glad he did.” Gansey said.

“He’s here!? He can’t be here.” Ronan asked.

“He went to get some food with Blue, they’ll be back soon. I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but is that really the pressing issue at hand?” 

“Suppose not. But I just.. I can’t face him right now.” Ronan said.

  
  
  


_ _ _

  
  
  


“Are you doing okay? And you can’t say “I’m always okay” because there’s a very clear reason why you could feel a little bad.” Blue said, sitting across from him at the cafe, located within the hospital.

“I’m.. fine, despite the circumstances.” He knew he looked awful, he’d caught a glimpse of his reflection in the bathroom. Blue had been able to get a couple of hours of sleep in the waiting room, but Adam had been awake the whole night. “I’m just relieved he’s going to be okay.”

“Thanks to you.” Blue said, eating a spoonful of her yoghurt cup. “What were you doing there?”

“The reason Ronan stopped seeing me was because he told me he loved me.” Adam revealed. “And I didn’t say it back, because how could I? But these past weeks, I’ve been thinking things through. And I realized, maybe I can love him. More importantly, maybe he really can love me. I was going to tell him that.” Adam said. 

“I see..” Blue said. “Are you going to tell him that when he wakes up?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. It’s not like all of the complicated circumstances have just disappeared. I was still his property for a long time, he’s older than me and way more powerful. Everything points to our relationship being uneven.”

“Perhaps my opinion doesn’t matter.. But from my perspective, Adam, I’ve never seen you happier than these past few months when you’ve been with Ronan. You’ve had more energy, you’ve been more open, less hostile. You even look healthier and happier.”

Adam scoffed. “That’s just because Ronan force feeds me and makes me come along to all of these restaurants. If he could eat out for every single meal, he probably would.” 

Looking back, Ronan aways ordered a soda with his meal, or some other non-alcoholic beverage. The signs had been there the entire time. Adam had just missed them.

“Really? Gansey said he barely leaves his home and always just gets cheap takeout.” 

“That’s not right. We went to fancy dinners all the time.” Adam replied.

“Hm. Maybe he was just doing it to impress you.” Blue shrugged, mixing around her yoghurt with the plastic spoon she’d received with it. “But I think you should tell him. There’s no harm in trying. If it doesn’t work out in the end, at least you tried.”

At least he would have tried.

Blue’s phone buzzed, prompting her to pick it up. “Gansey texted. He’s awake.”

During the walk through the sterile corridors back to Ronan’s room, Adam had Blue’s reassuring words on repeat in his mind. There’s no harm in trying.

There’s no harm in trying, he thought, as he pushed the door open. 

Ronan and Adam were matching, because they both looked like absolute shit. Dark rings, darker than normal, circled Ronan’s eyes, and he looked frail in a way Adam hadn’t seen before. He almost looked scared of Adam, when their eyes met. 

“Hey.” 

“Hi.” 

When the two of them just remained in silence after that exchange, Blue spoke up. 

“Gansey? Will you come with me to the bathroom?” She said, looking at Gansey with hinting eyes. 

“Oh! Yes, of course.” 

Then, it was just them again. Adam wandered across the room, sitting down in the chair pulled up by the hospital bed. 

“Are you okay?” Adam asked, gently.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Ronan said, a small grin forming across his face.

Adam smiled, for the first time in a while. He could barely remember the last time he had smiled, properly.

“Alright. Touché..”

“Do you want to get out of here?” Ronan asked, looking up at him.

Adam frowned. “What? I’m pretty sure you can’t just leave, plus-”

“Just out of this room. I know how to get onto the roof, come on.” Ronan got out of the bed, with energy he really wasn’t supposed to have. 

“The roof? You’re going to be freezing.” Adam said, standing up as well. Ronan was still wearing his hospital clothes. 

“I’ll steal Gansey’s jacket, no worries.”

The way to the roof was through one initial elevator, a flight of stairs, a second elevator and then a final set of stairs. The breeze of the chilly morning painted Adam’s cheeks bright red. Unlike Ronan’s penthouse, the hospital didn’t quite tower over every other building around, meaning the view wasn’t quite as spectacular. But it was nice.

Ronan sat down on the ground, leaning against some kind of AC unit. Adam joined him, despite the fact that the cold and dusty surface didn’t look too inviting.

“You come here often, then?” Adam asked. He seemed familiar with the hospital.

“Just when I drink too much. Or when I get into a car crash.” Ronan said. “This custodian showed me how to get up here after my first ever gastric lavage.” 

“I see.” Adam said. The familiar silence set in. Neither of them wanted to start the difficult conversation, obviously. 

Adam gave it a shot, after a couple of minutes of glaring at the brick exterior of the opposite building. “What happened? That made you drink that much.”

“I think you know.” Ronan said, leaning his buzzed head back. “I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle knowing that  _ we  _ didn’t matter to you, that it was just a job for you, and nothing else. That shit fucking hurt. I tend to deal with hurt, with alcohol.”

Guilt, guilt, guilt. Adam felt his stomach drop with anxiety and regret. 

“I’m really sorry, Ronan.. but I’m glad you’re alright. You really scared me.” 

“Yeah, sorry about that. You weren’t supposed to see..” Ronan mumbled. “What were you doing there?”

“You didn’t pick up your phone.” Adam said. “And I wanted to talk to you, so I just showed up, I guess.”

“You wanted to talk to me? About what?” Ronan pressed.

Here goes nothing.

Nothing. Adam didn’t know what to say, at all. The same feeling of nervousness he’d felt on the way to Ronan hit him again. He wasn’t ready, he hadn’t planned it, he hadn’t considered all possible outcomes.

“I..” Adam began, hoping to find the words along the way.

“It’s funny. When I was on my way over to your apartment I had this whole script in my head, I knew exactly what to say. But now I just..”

“You don’t have to say anything.” Ronan said, reminding Adam of that fateful moment back in his childhood room. 

“I do. I do have to say something, though. I should’ve said something back then too, when you told me..” Adam said. “It wasn’t just a job for me. Maybe it was for the first couple of weeks, but then things changed. I just couldn’t admit that, to you or myself. I’m sorry I didn’t figure everything out sooner, but these past weeks I’ve had some time to think about it all.”

“And?” Ronan said. He’d been resting his eyes on the brick wall, just as Adam had, but now he was looking straight at him.

“And?” Adam questioned.

“What’s your conclusion, then?”

“I’m still not quite sure yet.” Adam said, earnestly. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“How do you know you’re in love with me?” He asked. “How can you be sure?”

Ronan smiled. “It’s the only thing I’ve ever been sure of, Adam.. You’ve brought meaning back into my life. I don’t see myself ever being with anyone but you, when I imagine my future you’re always there.” 

Adam was rendered speechless.

“I’ve thought about what you said. About purpose, and a person's place in the world. And I think my place is by your side. I think my purpose is loving you. That’s how I know.”

His words were beautiful, breathtaking, and terrifying. 

“I don’t know if I’m in love with you.” Adam began, and he watched Ronan’s smile fade into nothing, before he continued. “I’ve never been in love, never been loved. I don’t know what it feels like, or what it’s supposed to be. So I don’t know.”

He took a deep breath.

“But I also can’t see myself being with anyone but you. And when I found you on the floor, and I thought you were dead for a couple of moments I felt like my entire world was falling apart. The only times I feel completely whole is when I’m with you. Maybe that is love.”

“Maybe it is..” Ronan agreed, with a hint of a smile returning. 

It was Adam’s turn to ask.

“Can I kiss you? I’ve missed kissing you.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ronan replied by pulling him in, locking him in his embrace, so they could kiss until their lips felt raw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so.. the end!
> 
> thank you so much for reading this work, and for patiently waiting for updates even when my updates became sparse. i hope you enjoyed it! i read every single comment and i really love getting your response.
> 
> i am working on an epilogue too, so that should come out too at some point!
> 
> seeing as it is the end, i thought i would share some songs i've listened to, to get into the ~mood~ to write this story, give them a listen!
> 
> _pyramids & self control - frank ocean_
> 
> _multi-love - unknown mortal orchestra_
> 
> _genesis & in the end - ryan beatty_
> 
> _nervous young inhumans - car seat headrest_
> 
> _what kind of love - childish gambino_
> 
> _this body means nothing to me - shrimp_
> 
> _ode to a conversation stuck in your throat - del water gap_
> 
> _sober II (melodrama) - lorde ___


	10. Epilogue

New York City was covered in a thick, dense fog. The weather had been gloomy for the entirety of October, and it looked like November would be plagued by the same abundance of rain and lack of sun.

Saturday morning, November 1st. Ronan was turning 30. 

Adam had woken up from his deep sleep before Ronan. He always got his best rest when he got to sleep in the penthouse, undisturbed by neighbours, or the outside world. The only thing that could be heard were faint sounds of the city through the thick glass of Ronan’s windows, a symphony of tires and far away buzz. 

Adam seized the moment, using it to take in all of Ronan. His hair was freshly shaved, Adam had to resist the urge to reach out and run his hand over the short strands. A new tattoo, in the late stages of its healing process swirled across his skin. The arm he had wrapped around Adam was now decorated with a snake.

Searching for signs of aging, he turned his gaze back to Ronan’s still face. He looked the same as he always had. The snake was the only new addition. Perhaps it was impossible to see a person aging whilst also spending nearly every day with them. It was always much more noticeable, when meeting up with someone you hadn’t seen for a long time. Every new wrinkle, every change in demeanor and appearance stood out then.

Unwillingly, Adam’s thoughts drifted to his parents. What signs of passing time would he see in them? That was, if he ever met them again. 

Quickly, he turned his attention back to Ronan. That was a much more preferable way to spend his time. Over a year had passed since they first met, yet Adam felt his feelings swell more and more each day.

Often, he heard of people loving in the opposite way. It started strong, with fireworks, butterflies, crushes and fantasies of a bright future. Then, as the relationship progressed, the love quickly changed. Faded. Fireworks turned into small sparks. Butterflies turned into calm flowers. Ideas of the future turned to acceptance of the present. 

Adam didn’t love like that. His love grew by the hour, stronger and stronger. He wondered when he would reach the limit. If there was such a thing.

Part of him worried that Ronan was the other type of lover. The lover that felt everything at the start, a tidal wave of emotion that trickled to a halt with time. 

Another, smaller part of him worried that Ronan might not find him quite as exciting anymore. As Ronan got older, so did he. He’d passed 22. Eventually he’d be 23, 24, 25.. And not a young man anymore. He’d grow into his features, and perhaps people would stop making verbal and non-verbal remarks about their age difference.

Adam suspected that Ronan liked the thrill of making people uncomfortable, with the mere existence of their relationship. Ronan liked seeing people subconsciously raise their eyebrows when he introduced Adam as his boyfriend. 

What was he thinking? Obviously Ronan didn’t love Adam for his young age, it was silly. He had to shut down his line of thinking. It was the type of thought that led to insecurity in Adam, and anger in Ronan. Not directed at Adam directly, but at the entire situation. 

It was one of the few things they properly argued about, when Adam let his own thoughts get to him, and he allowed it to affect his actions. 

Ronan’s birthday wasn’t a time for arguments. It was a time for celebration. 

As Adam lifted the duvet so he could cuddle up closer to Ronan, he spotted a welcome surprise. Perhaps he could get started on Ronan’s first present. 

Reaching up, Adam placed a gentle kiss on Ronan’s lips. Ronan twisted ever so slightly, before settling down again, not yet waking up. Again, Adam kissed him. Deeper this time.

“Wake up.” he grinned. 

“Mhm..?” Ronan mumbled, casting one look at Adam, before closing his eyes again. “Not yet.”

“You’re hard.” Adam said, unable to keep in his mischievous smile. 

At that comment, Ronan opened his eyes fully. “Am I? What are you going to do about it?”

“What am  _ I  _ going to do about it? Depends.” Adam was still grinning, as he fully pushed the duvet aside and got on top of Ronan. “We might be late. We’ve already slept in.. And I still have things to do before your party.”

Ronan groaned. “Cancel it.” Before he continued, Ronan pulled Adam down towards him for another kiss. “You can cancel the party.”

“Your brothers are flying in from D.C.” Adam pointed out. “Plus, don’t you want to receive your gift? 

“The only gift I want is to be with you in this bed, until it isn’t my birthday anymore.” Through heavy lids, Ronan looked up at Adam. The way his eyes shined with love, struck down any doubts that Adam had discussed in his mind throughout the morning, regarding Ronan’s feelings for him.

“And besides, can it really be considered a gift for me if you’re buying it with money I gave you?” Ronan grinned.

“Oh, fuck off!” Adam laughed. 

With time, Ronan had managed to wear him down. Their initial deal had been rewritten. No longer was Adam an employ of Ronan, he was just someone with a really generous boyfriend. The set salary had turned into Ronan sneaking money into his account, making sure Adam had to pay for things as little as possible, as well as him paying for his tuition. 

Initially Adam had been reluctant of having money be a part of their relationship at all. With the step to being actual boyfriends taken, Adam wanted gifts to be reserved for birthdays and anniversaries, and paychecks reserved for Ronan’s actual employees and not for him. 

But.. It was clear that Ronan actually did love showering him with gifts and financial support. His eyes would light up when he saw Adam wearing something he had bought or picked out for him and Ronan would draw pleasure from seeing Adam’s worries being taken care of. 

Blue had sent Adam an article about love languages, which Adam had half-read. Supposed it made sense after all, even if Adam didn’t understand it fully. So, Adam decided to not deprive Ronan of his hobby. His hobby meaning, throwing money at Adam. That didn’t mean there were no rules however. 

Adam’s terms were that he still got to pay his own rent, and live in his own apartment. Ronan's terms were that he got to pay for Adam’s tuition, and give him gifts whenever he wanted.

“If you get ready, and at least try to enjoy your party.. I’ll let you do whatever you want to me tonight. Fair?” 

Ronan's eyes were heavy with lust. “Fair. But you’re still going to do something about my morning wood. Right?”

Adam simply laughed, and got out of bed to head into the shower. "I'm having a shower. You're allowed to join, if you want to."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ronan’s birthday party was taking place in the Lynch gallery. The venue had been decked out in sparkling streamers, and as Adam entered through the glass doors, Amelie was in the process of filling up silvery balloons with helium. The number three was tethered to the floor, and Amelie struggled to fill up the zero.

Adam imagined Ronan’s reaction to the scene. He’d probably turn around in the door and instantly go back to wherever he came from. 

One of the glittery decorations that had been hung up from the ceiling partially covered the huge painting of the forest, Ronan’s recurring motif, one of many several ones. Yeah, Ronan would fucking hate seeing the gallery like this.

Or maybe he’d find some sort of artistic inspiration, seeing the juxtaposition of dark woods and shimmering silver.

“Adam!” Amelie exclaimed as she saw him. “Did you get everything?”

Adam had been tasked with picking up lights, another factor in Amelie's decor vision. He’d been expecting a couple strings of fairy lights, perhaps a disco lamp? But there he was carrying a huge box, contents still unknown. 

  
“I did..” Adam began, nodding. He just had to talk to her about the decorations, but Amelie stopped him before he could continue.

“Great! Then you can help me with this!” 

Amelie seemed stressed, as she often did. During the first few months of dating Ronan, and subsequently getting to know his assistant, Adam had been worried that Ronan was overworking her. She seemed to be constantly on edge, out of breath, and one minor annoyance away from quitting it all. It soon became clear that all of the pressure she felt was self-imposed. 

As long as Amelie booked artists for the gallery and planned events with buyers, Ronan was happy. As long as she also fixed reservations for dinners, hotels, and trips, Ronan was even happier. 

However, Amelie seemed to constantly give herself other tasks and reasons to be stressed. Ronan hadn’t asked her to plan this party, and neither had anyone else, but when Adam invited her she’d informed him that she would have the final guestlist finalized in due time before Ronan’s birthday.

“Oh.” Adam had said, a little confused. “Well, I’ve only invited you, Gansey and Blue so far. Besides that I’m just going to reach out to his brothers. And his friend from Europe, Noah.” 

“Jesus Christ, Adam. I know who to invite! Leave this to me, I’ll let you know if I need any help planning.” 

With that, the call had ended, and Adam realized that the planning of the celebration had been snatched away from him in a swift coup. 

Ronan certainly hadn’t asked for sparkly decorations and balloons proudly displaying his age. Neither had Adam, so he suspected that Amelie really was doing this for herself.

He saw parts of himself in her. They both wanted to make Ronan proud, even if it led to some irrational behaviour.

“Uhm, yeah, Amelie..” Adam tried again. “Are you sure about the balloons? And the glitter? I don’t know if it feels very.. Ronan..” Maybe it was “Ronan”, and Adam had no idea what he liked. But he doubted it.

“It’s a party. What, you don’t like it? You don’t think he’ll like it..” Amelie frowned, as he looked up at him, letting the balloon that was supposed to complete the shiny exhibition of Ronan’s age. “THIRTY!”, they screamed. “RONAN IS AN ADULT NOW, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?”

Maybe Ronan wouldn’t mind the balloons at all, maybe he’d find them charming and hilariously tacky. Maybe it was Adam who minded. Suddenly, he was back in the same mindset as that morning. Their relationship was uneven, it wouldn’t work for much longer. It would all catch up to them, the age difference, the class difference, the difference in outlook on life.

“Well?” Amelie said, crossing her arms. 

Adam was pulled out of his thoughts. It was just in his head. Ronan was less of an adult than Adam was, and he would probably never grow up fully in the eyes of others, and that was part of what he loved about him. Ronan would never bore him. The money thing was complicated, but not impossible to overcome. They might not see the world in the same way, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t exist in it together despite it all.

“Sorry.” As he opened the box he’d brought, filled to the brim with thin strings of fairy lights, he decided that he was going to trust his initial gut-feeling. “I think we can do without the balloons and the streamers. And only do the lights. More scaled back.”

“Yeah.. Maybe you’re right.” 

  
  
  
  


Turns out, Adam had been right. Later that same night, when Adam stepped into the gallery next to his boyfriend, he carefully watched Ronan’s reaction. When he saw his eyes light up, he could finally relax internally. Ronan didn’t hate it. Amelie had invited a larger guestlist than Adam had initially intended, including friends from the company, but Ronan didn’t seem to mind.

“Surprise!” Noah, one of Ronan’s old friends exclaimed with a bright grin, in unison with Matthew who was sporting a matching smile.

“It’s not really a surprise, I did know this was going to happen tonight.” Ronan grinned.

“Still! Happy birthday. You’re getting old.” Adam hadn’t gotten the chance to get close to Noah yet since he had only recently moved back to New York, and he could be quite elusive and quiet when not speaking to Ronan and Gansey. But Adam still liked him. He liked the way Ronan smiled when Noah was around.

“We’re the same age, shithead.” 

  
  
  
  


Blue was the first one to turn over her gift. It was a hand painted card, where she informed Ronan in ornate script that the card could be exchanged for a free tarot reading at her family home in Brooklyn.

Ronan seemed a bit sceptical, and called her a maggot just as he usually did, but he was unable to keep in his smile, revealing his true feelings. 

Gansey was next, gifting Ronan a vintage watch, complete with a history lesson of its Irish origins. 

Adam was last. 

With nervous fingers, he fished out the envelope from the inner pocket of his suit jacket. “Happy birthday, Ronan.” he said, handing it over to him.

“What is it?” Ronan asked, as he began to open it. “A nude?” He added with a grin.

“You’ll see..” Adam said with a small smile, watching Ronan’s expression as he read through the contents of the envelope. 

“Really?”

Adam’s gift to Ronan were tickets home. Ever since their first trip to Virginia, Adam had refused to go back. Bad things clearly happened in the mountains of his home state, he had concluded, it was better to just stay away.

He could always tell that Ronan longed for the mountains. Adam had pleaded with him, telling him to just go on his own. To take Gansey. But Ronan had been adamant about not leaving Adam alone in this city.

“I’m ready now.” Adam said, with a nod. 

Was he? Debatable. Hopefully the trip wouldn’t cause them to break up again. Or induce an existential crisis. For once, perhaps, the trip could just be nice.

Ronan thanked him with a kiss, the type that was maybe a bit too deep for a public setting, the type that left the promise of more to come.

“Thank you.”

  
  
  
  


Later on in the evening, Adam had escaped to the upper level of the gallery. With a complete view of the party going on beneath through the railing of the stairs, Adam had a chance to lean back and observe. Ronan was talking to Declan about something, clearly animated. By one of the paintings, Gansey and Blue shared a kiss. In another corner of the venue, Amelie topped up glasses of alcohol-free champagne. 

If there was a god, he had one request. He wished that by the time he turned thirty, he could stand in a room full of people who loved him and celebrate. He wished that there would be beautiful lights in the ceiling, and he wished that the sound of laughter would never leave the room. 

Too deep in his thoughts, Adam hadn’t noticed Blue striding across the gallery to join him at the top of the stairs.

“Taking a break?” She asked, sitting down next to him, smoothing out her dress.

“Yeah.. Just taking it all in.” Adam said, his eyes returning to watch Ronan. By then he had moved on to arguing about something with Gansey instead of Declan. 

“What are they on about?” He couldn’t make out the words of their dialogue.

“Gansey is insistent that you can only call it champagne if it’s from the Champagne region. Ronan argues that everyone knows what they mean anyways, and that Gansey is an elitist idiot.”

Adam smiled. “I can see why you exited the conversation.”

“Think Lynch is excited for his tarot reading?” Blue grinned.

“I can’t even imagine how that’s going to go.” Adam admitted, with a laugh.

“Horrible or amazing. We’ll see. Luckily, my mother will know beforehand, so at least she’ll be warned.”

Their conversation stilled, as the two of them went back to observing the other guests. Until Blue spoke up again.

“By the way, did I ever tell you what “The Moon” means? You asked me ages ago, but I don’t think I ever told you what Calla said the meaning had been.”

Adam remembered how conflicted and exposed he had felt, standing there in the misty mountains after his first time properly opening up to Ronan. He’d been eternally grateful that Blue had even picked up, at such an early hour.

“Oh yeah. I don’t think you did.” Adam said, shaking his head.

“Well, Calla said that in that context it meant hidden feelings, and intense longing. Someone was hiding how they truly felt, anxious about the outcome.” Blue said, with a knowing smile. “I think it turned out okay in the end, though.”

Adam watched as Ronan looked around the room, searching for someone or something. When he spotted Adam up by the landing, he smiled, finding what he’d been searching for. 

With sparkling eyes, he raised his sober glass of champagne, or sparkling wine if you asked Gansey, and mouthed “I love you.”

Adam returned the gesture, raising his glass and uttering a silent confession of love. 

  
  
  
  
  


“Yeah. I think it turned out okay as well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short little extra!
> 
> hope you liked it. again, thank you to everyone who has been following this fic and commenting. it's my first time writing something longer and sharing it with the world, so your support means so much. i'm looking forward to writing more in the future, as long as life allows it!


End file.
